Chuck Norris!

[Gear]

Anyone have any original, self made Chuck jokes?

Chuck Norris doesn't have a soul he just has an extra fist!

There once was life on Mars, Chuck Norris just didn't like them... so he killed them

Chuck Norris invented the atomic bomb, all he did was snap his finger

Chuck Norris once met a huge guy named Goliath... it didn't turn out too nice for the big guy

Every time Chuck Norris gets angry a black hole is created somewhere...


I'm not a Chuck Norris fan I just think the jokes are funny.

[Gear]

Chuck Norris is so hot that his last date burst into flames the second she laid eyes on him.

Chuck Norris can kill a man simply by saying "... f*** you..."

Chuck Norris was born on December 25 so they made it into a holiday.

[indy34]

Sorry to say and no offense but those are *****:down:

[Vendetta08]

I liked them LOL

[Junior Jones]

When Chuck Norris does pushups, he doesn't push himself up. He pushes the earth down.

[oki9Sedo]

When Chuck Norris does pushups, he doesn't push himself up. He pushes the earth down.

Except you didn't make that one up.

[Gear]

Sorry to say and no offense but those are *****:down:

Thats why I think the're funny-'cause their so lame. :D

I'd never heard Junior's one so it's alright.

Chuck Norris knows of 300,000 and 1 ways to kill someone including killing a man with a leaf, pencile and a piece of laughy taffy.

[Indy_Chic]

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death...:eek:

The Sahara wasn't always a desert, but one day Chuck Norris got thirsty...



I hope those were ok! I love this thread!!! Keep it going!:up:

[Gear]

Nice ones Indy_Chic!

A man once called Chuck Norris a loser... once...

[Gear]

Chuck Norris once hit a guy so hard that the guys, cousin's, mother's, uncle's, son's, friend's, dentist's, sister's, aunt's, great grandfather's doctor felt it.

[nezobiwan]

Ok I admit I read these ones on a t-shirt, but they're pretty funny.

Chuck Norris can swallow a rubik's cube and poop it out solved.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light because The Dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Before the Bogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Maybe I'll make an attempt at creating my own... maybe... I need more time to think.

[indy34]

Whats wrong with me usually I find jokes that make absolutely no sense Hilarius but I don't even get a smirk with these ones:(

[Gear]

Whats wrong with me usually I find jokes that make absolutely no sense Hilarius but I don't even get a smirk with these ones:(


It's alright indy34 besides, it's a good thing you did'nt laugh or else Chuck Norris would have kicked your a$$. ;)

Oh and nezobiwan, those are great. :up:

Chuck Norris once had a bad hair day; it robbed three banks.

[Indy_Chic]

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. :p :eek:

[Aaron H]

Some people wear Superman pajamas, but Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

The San Andreas Fault was originally called Chuck Norris' Fault, but they changed the name when it wasn't as powerful as they thought it was.

Chuck Norris knows the square root of Infinity.

Whenever a tornado rips through the mid-west it is because Chuck Norris sneezed in LA.

[Violet Indy]

An American friend of mine told me this one...

Did you know that Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer? Too bad he doesn't cry.

[nezobiwan]

Some people wear Superman pajamas, but Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

HAHAHAHAHA!

That one is awesome.

[Mr. Fusion]

I don't know if anyone's heard this one:

When Chuck Norris falls into a pond, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norrised.

I wasn't sure how to spell that last word, so I hope everyone gets the joke.;)

[Gear]

An American friend of mine told me this one...

Did you know that Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer? Too bad he doesn't cry.


I heard that one not too long ago! lol!

This one I sort of got off of a t-shirt only I 'Chuck Norrisized' it (;) ):

Heaven wont take Chuck Norris but Hell is afriad he'll take over!

[Gear]

Chuck Norris's hair can even kill you 48 different ways...

[nezobiwan]

Chuck Norris died a while ago, but Death is too afraid to tell him.

[Finn]

Chuck Norris died a while ago, but Death is too afraid to tell him. Every time before going to sleep, the Boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

[roundshort]

Chuck Norris counted to Infinity, TWICE!

[LaoCheRules!]

Chuck Norris doesn't live in a mansion, a mansion lives around him.

[Indy4fan]

Chuck Norris fears the man in the hat!:cool:

[Junior Jones]

Okay, not technically a Chuck Norris joke, but it is original. First a little background.

Last summer some friends and I met someone who was a bit of the "Chuck Norris" type. (Tough guy, didn't take crap from anyone, etc.) We began to convert our Chuck Norris jokes to "Johnathan" jokes. But, Johnathan had trouble remembering names, so he would just shout out something close and expect you to answer. Which led to this joke.

Johnathan never gets your name wrong. Your parents did.

[Gear]

nice ones you guys, and thanks JJ, I4F, LCR, and RS for keeping it going.

Chuck Norris eats bricks for breakfast...

[00Kevin]

this one's not origonal, but I saw it somewhere and thought it was very clever:

Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer, too bad the man has never cried... -EVER!

[sarah navarro]

Heres one my friends brother made up...........

Chuck Norris Can beleive its not butter.

:rolleyes: i dont exspect a reaction from anyone to this:p

[metalinvader]

Watch out guys and gals...Chuck is suing!:rolleyes:

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=339704


Who would have thought that a killing machine could be so humourless.:p

[No Ticket]

Watch out guys and gals...Chuck is suing!:rolleyes:

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=339704


Who would have thought that a killing machine could be so humourless.:p

Only because they are making money off it. I saw him on Conan once and he laughed at the site, back when they didn't directly profit off of it without his permission.

Oh, and I didn't make it up but:

Not only can Chuck Norris understand Lassie when he barks, "Timmy is in the well!" ... but he can bark back, "Who do you think put him there!"

[IndyFalco]

When GOD said, "Let There Be Light!" Chuck Norris said, "Say Please!"



I know... I know... ;)

[Gear]

Nice. :)

Chuck Norris is so cool he's hot!

[JayDee]

I didnt read the full 3 pages, but try this if it hasnt been mentioned before:

1. Go to Google

2. Type in "find chuck norris"

3. Hit the button "I´m feeling lucky" right beside "Google Search" :up:

[IndyFalco]

I didnt read the full 3 pages, but try this if it hasnt been mentioned before:

1. Go to Google

2. Type in "find chuck norris"

3. Hit the button "I´m feeling lucky" right beside "Google Search" :up:

OH MY GOD !!!

Your post was by far the BEST ONE !!!

I cant believe GOOGLE DID THAT !!!

EVERYONE, Follow JayDee's directions and see for yourself

[WillKill4Food]

For those who don't want to take the time to do it, the page displays this:
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

[Indy_Chic]

For those who don't want to take the time to do it, the page displays this:


LMAO!!!! That is hilarious! :D


Chuck Norris doesn't need to write...the letters rearrange themselves on paper out of fear. :eek:

[WillKill4Food]

Some funny Chuck jokes are below, and no I didn't come up with them:

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in an hour... he spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

[AngieAki]

For those who don't want to take the time to do it, the page displays this:
OMG THAT IS AWESOME!!!


"Suggestions:

Run, before he finds you
Try a different person"

[Indy_Chic]

Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

[Dr Jones]

The Delta Force wasn't a 'movie', idiot! That was Chuck Norris's home-made long weekend, yearly holiday video in Israel.


:rolleyes:

[Indy_Chic]

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light not because he is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of him.

[sarah navarro]

Watch this-Chuck Norris dust dont breathe this!:p
lets press tha walker texas ranger button
<object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/NdD54rG9oQA"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/NdD54rG9oQA" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object>

[Indy_Chic]

That was one ultra cool vid! :up: Chuck Norris rocks!!!!

[Gear]

Indiana Jones is simply one of Chuck Norris's fists which got away...

[Indy_Chic]

Lol! Good one Gear!:D

Here is some more Chuck Norris Facts:

Chuck Norris knows the meaning of every word in the dictionary - except mercy.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

[sarah navarro]

Lol! Good one Gear!:D

Here is some more Chuck Norris Facts:

Chuck Norris knows the meaning of every word in the dictionary - except mercy.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.


Oh my goodness im crying!!!!!
i told my brother these and he was laughing too,good ones Indy Chic!

-Chuck norris went to the Virgin Islands and when he came back they were just Islands.

[Indy_Chic]

Hahaha!!! I'm glad you and your brother like those facts I posted! I found them on some Chuck Norris facts site and almost died of laughter when I read them! :D

[Gear]

-Chuck norris went to the Virgin Islands and when he came back they were just Islands.


HAHAHAHAHA!!

Great!

Chuck Norris once ate a black hole...

[Indy_Chic]

Here is a picture of Chuck Norris' pet cat!

http://www.madveras.com/images/ChuckNorrisCat.jpg

[eroc]

Chuck Norris believed these lies about himself, until :whip: his face met the end of Indiana Jones' whip.

[sarah navarro]

Chuck Norris believed these lies about himself, until :whip: his face met the end of Indiana Jones' whip.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!! GOOD ONE:up: :up:

[Gear]

Chuck Norris is America's 51st state...

[Dr Jones]

The fastest way to a woman's heart is Chuck Norris' fist.

[Indy_Chic]

Good ones!

Check this out, Chuck Norris action jeans! :D

http://favoritehero.files.wordpress.com/2007/10/norris_jeans_ad.jpg

[eroc]

Chuck Norris didn't endorse Mike Huckabee. Mike Huckabee endorsed Chuck Norris.

[Bjorn Heimdall]

Chuck Norris could get rid of obesity and anorexia for good if he wanted to, but he prefers a couple of fat people for breakfast.... and likes to pick his teeth afterwards with a couple of skinny ones.


I came up with a good Chuck Norris joke but he found out and now I can't even remember my name or use my legs.

[Indy_Chic]

When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror nothing appears. There can never be a second Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow

Chuck Norris can kick start a car.

http://artfiles.art.com/images/-/Chuck-Norris-Photograph-C12141670.jpeg

[Joel]

I'm not sure if this still works, but if you go to google and type in "search for Chuck Norris" (without the talking marks), there's a hillarious Easter egg to be found. No spoilers, just discover for yourselves :)

[Indyana Joana]

I'm not sure if this still works, but if you go to google and type in "search for Chuck Norris" (without the talking marks), there's a hillarious Easter egg to be found. No spoilers, just discover for yourselves :)

I did not find an Easter Egg, but I did find these facts at ChuckNorrisFacts.com (then I added my two cents worth):

1. If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has five dollars more than you. (But I must add, unless Indy is at my side)

2. There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris' computer, Chuck Norris is always in control. (But I must add, Indy is always in control in my book)

3. Apple pays Chuck Norris .99 for every time he listens to a song (But I must say that isn't much lately since Indy broke Chuck's radio)

4. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open. (But I must say, ... he has too when Indy's around.)

5. Chuck can eat just one Lays potato chip. (But I must say, he can only eat one Lay's potato chip ... Indy has the rest.)

6. Chuck Norris is suing MySpace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you. (But I must say, ... that's lame).

7. Chuck Norris destroyed the element table because he only recognized the element of suprise. (But I must say, ... Indy added the element of suprise to the periodic table).

8. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird. (But I must say, Indy uses his lasso) :whip:

9. When Chuck Norris calls 900 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out. (But I must say, Indy doesn't call 900 numbers).

There's more, of course. Indy wins, hands down!!! :whip: :whip: :gun: :gun: :gun:

[Joel]

I've noticed that it doesn't work either. What used to happen is it would take you to a page that read "You don't find Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris will find you". It had to be experienced to appreciate the humour of it.

[Indy_Chic]

These are from the Chuck Norris Facts page:

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.


:whip:

[Horchata]

The bible states, a long time ago God would speak to men... One day chuck Norris and God got in a fight.... We havent heard from God since...


I have to admit, I didnt make that one. Thought it was funny though.

[Goonie]

Everytime Chuck Norris farts, a new hole is created in the ozone layer.

[Agent Crab]

Everytime Chuck Norris farts, a new hole is created in the ozone layer.


That made me laugh for some reason.

A strand of Chuck Norris' Hair can be used to trip someone.

[Indy_Chic]

http://www.lolpix.com/_pics/Funny_Pictures_284/Funny_Pictures_2841.jpg

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

[Gear]

Thats an awsome pic Indy_Chic! :up: :whip:

Chuck Norris is the last of the Atlantians.

[Goonie]

I found this one on the net and I thought it was great, had a good laugh:

The boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris before bed.:D

7.0 earthquake in northern Japan today. Chuck Norris must be there!

[Indy_Chic]

Thats an awsome pic Indy_Chic! :up: :whip:

Chuck Norris is the last of the Atlantians.

Thanks Gear! I thought it was a cool picture too!:gun:

[|ZiR|]

http://artfiles.art.com/images/-/Chuck-Norris-Photograph-C12141670.jpeg

Thank you for posting that. I was going through the thread and was surprised that no one had posted a picture of Chuck yet.

http://i123.photobucket.com/albums/o314/BloodyThesis/chucknorris9mm.jpg


And, because this is immediately where my mind goes, would you do him, posters? I think I would. Just for the bragging rights.

I'm also slightly horrified that no one has posted The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny. Chuck Norris kicks Indiana Jones in the crotch!

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/w8ye4mYR878&hl=en"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/w8ye4mYR878&hl=en" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

[Gear]

And, because this is immediately where my mind goes, would you do him, posters?



Chuck Norris? No.


Ronald Raggan, now thats a different story.

[British Indy]

"Angels sang out, in immaculate chorus, down from the heavens, descended Chuck Norris, who delivered a kick, which could shatter bones, into the crotch of Indiana Jones..."

Thats a question, Indy vs. Chuck, who would pwn whose ass?

And another thing, Chuck lost in the Ultimate showdown, shouldn't we be doing Mr. Rogers facts instead? :D

[Gear]

The Ark of the Covenant is Chuck Norris' coffee table.

The 'Temple of Doom' is Chuck's.... 'play room'. :eek: :sick: :dead:

[RyuX13]

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

[Indy_Chic]

Chuck Norris can use one chopstick

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.

Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.


http://www.joystiq.com/media/2006/02/mastacheifunmaskedjoy.jpg

http://content.pyzam.com/graphics/7/norris.gif

[Gear]

The Ark of the Covenant is Chuck's microwave.

[IndysGal41]

I used to like chucky back then. Now he is a has been.
:rolleyes:

[Gear]

Ahhhh, the Chuck thread lives on....


The "Holy Grail" is Chuck's coffee mug; it was a suvanier from the Crusade...

[indythecat]

Chuck Norris has stones. He lent one out to play the boulder in Raiders.

[Gear]

Chuck Norris has stones. He lent one out to play the boulder in Raiders.

Yeah, Chuck has big, dangerous balls.

[Yure]

Do you realize that the Ark is...
...it's a transmitter. A radio for talking to Chuck Norris.

[TREN KROM]

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.

[Ai-Chan]

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

The 11th commandment is “Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris” This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.

There are no such things as tornadoes. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

[Goonie]

The true downfall of the Lehman Brothers? Yup, you guessed it, Chuck Norris.