relationship advise?

[Indy Scout 117]

ok so im asking the Indy Community for advise on love...

so there's this girl, her name is Amber (Love that name, its a beautiful name) and we used to date each other. we are very very different from each other. for example, our choice in movies we like (me: action, adventure and sci fi type stuff; her: more of a classic, oldie and 'battle-of-the-wits' kinda movies), our choice in books (pretty much the same deal), choice in music, etc. music was a big one; we both like alternative (she got me into it), but she HATES country, which i happen to love. hell, when we went to our homecoming dance together, they played a Taylor Swift song and she refused to dance to it.

anyway, so how it ended was i was being an idiot. she wasnt feeling good for a couple of days and i thought she was like ignoring me. now see, im a very paranoid person, no joke, i honestly think that poeple i know and love keep secrets from me and stuff. anyway, so i asked her sister (now i know i messed up big time here) if Amber even cared about me anymore. bad mistake. her sister told her and she broke up with me.

now understand that our relationship wasnt what one would imagine as a 'normal' kinda relationship. i loved her, but she didnt love me back. she liked me a lot, but she didnt feel the same way i did for her.

so now here i am, and i thought i was over her breaking up with me, but thoughts keep coming back to me (which is a bad thing). i miss the feelings i had for her, the fun times we had, and every little detail about it. but see, we arent very compatible, and one of my friends told me that dating is just a way to find out who's more compatible with you, y'know what i mean? a relationship wouldnt have lasted much longer between us, i think, because we werent compatible enough. but here i am now, and i considered trying to get together with her again, but i know for a fact that that wont happen. i mean we're still friends (not as good as we used to be before i asked her out), but...its like i am being torn apart by 2 different feelings. one side: im not sure if i still love her, but i kinda want to get back together with her, and i just want those good old feelings back.

the other side: i could find another girl, which could be just as bad a problem; think about it: i find another girl, whom might actually love me like i would love her, and then i forget all about my problems with Amber, but if something were to happen between me and my new girlfriend and we broke up, then i would be in the same exact position i am in now, maybe even worse. and i keep tellin myself that Amber and i cant possibly get back together because it just wouldnt work out, but the other part of me isnt listening to that.

its a really confusing situation. i just need some advise from you all. i would go to my "Sister" for adivse, but shes heard so much of this kinda stuff from me that she could use a break from it. maybe ill still ask her, i dunno. but what do you all think? is this, like, normal? i have never been in a relationship until i met Amber, and i havent really experienced break-ups before. what do you think i should do???

[ResidentAlien]

There's something very Holden-esque in this little spiel.


"I swear to God I'm a madman!"

[AlivePoet]

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? It sounds like some of the mistakes you've made come from inexperience, which is fine, but you have to realize that it's time to move on and not dwell on the past. Every relationship requires taking chances and hard work, but above all, trust, which I think is what was fundamentally wrong with your relationship--you did not trust each other enough to express genuinely true feelings. Then, your question to her sister crippled the already trembling foundation. Learn from your mistake--never ask anybody but your girlfriend about her feelings for you. If you don't believe her, then there's a trust issue involved. If that's the case, it's an unhealthy relationship that's probably best dissolved.

But in this case it seems as though she wasn't all that into you, as you have already posited; best to just forget about her and move on. Seriously. Life is too short to obsess over someone who does not have mutual feelings for you. But really, it's better to not obsess at all; trust me, girls will be drawn to you more if you're subtle and exude independence and confidence. Be strong, be smart, and don't be infatuated--biggest mistake you can make.

[Violet Indy]

My advice: spend a lot of time away from her, and get something worthwhile to distract yourself from the memory. The best way I've found to get over someone is to make yourself busy with other things such as hobbies, a particular career or making social outings with friends. I'm of the belief that no one can really be friends after a relationship breaks up (though if it was only a date or two, and not a lot happened, then one could be still friends).

Don't rush into another relationship or try to get it back together: that will make things worse. If she didn't really love you then, there's no reason that she'll love you now (no offense meant) and don't go changing the person you are to make her happy, because you will resent yourself for it. And she may think of you as a stalker or at fault if you try to get back together.

Once you have had a worthy enough distraction (obviously one that makes you happy) and time away from her, you'll find yourself over her and ready to move on to another relationship when the right gal and the right time comes along.

Also your post tends to suggest that you're in your teens (just guessing) and in which case, you have plenty of time to have relationships, you'll get used to dating and it will work out. One thing I do remember well when I was a teen not that long ago, emotions for people and relationships feel ten times more stronger than they really really are. Step back and look at the big picture. Dating and relationships are only one aspect of life. Enjoy being young, hang out with friends and have fun (responsibly).

[IndyWolf15]

I would say stay away from her awhile, because it brings back memories from the past. Do activities that you like to do. Spend time with your parents and other friends. Have you asked your parents for advice?

[Indy Scout 117]

I would say stay away from her awhile, because it brings back memories from the past. Do activities that you like to do. Spend time with your parents and other friends. Have you asked your parents for advice?
no. i dont bother asking my parents for adivse. it doesnt seem to help me at all.

to answer everyones question i am 17 years old. but you are all right. i should find something to distract myself from it and stuff...thanks for the advise everyone!! i know i should be over it by now, but thats easier said than done...but either way, thanks a bunch!!

[IndyWolf15]

No problem Ryan. My parents don't want me to date anyone just yet :down:

[Indy Scout 117]

No problem Ryan. My parents don't want me to date anyone just yet :down:
that sucks. its lots of fun. probelm is when its over...if you were really connected to your boyfriend/girlfriend, the feeling of loss sucks...:down:

[Lonsome_Drifter]

that sucks. its lots of fun. probelm is when its over...if you were really connected to your boyfriend/girlfriend, the feeling of loss sucks...:down:

The feeling of heartbreak has inspired many generations of poets, writers, and singers. I count my blessing every day that I have been with the love of my life since I was 18. We're going on ten years.

[Dr Bones]

Jeez so intense!

Not to sound patronising but everyhting seems so intense at a young age.

I really want to help you and give you some honest opinions as I know how you feel and it sucks....a lot!

Relax, enjoy your friends and hobbies etc and relationships will happen naturally.

Those old feelings are there probably because there's nothing or no one filling the void you feel.

Plus the first relationship is always going to be tough to get over.

I lost count of people I know who go back to bad relationships out of lonliness or desparation. Never works out.

Just means you're tied up when someone better passes you by.

Tough talk time.....to me you sound like you are in a place where you ar simply not relationship material....chill...enjoy life and get comfortable in your own skin.

"Love is not a treasure hunt or a quest...it finds you.":sick:

I don't believe in all that sentinental guff...it clouds what relationships are really about and people use it to mask problems in their relations ort personalities.

"I only get angry or paranoid etc because I love you"

Rubbish....this is some emotional problem you need to sort out before your jump headlong into another disaster.

Sort your head out, stop being so desperate to fall in love, otherwise you may find yourself doomed to makinmg the same mistakes over and over.

The feeling of heartbreak has inspired many generations of poets, writers, and singers.


Also inspired murder, war, revenge! ;)

Real love endures and is not the intense temporay feelings you may have about this girl. The Beatles were dead wrong. Love is not all you need. You need trust, hard work, friendship, empathy, independence, respect, loyalty, freedom and much more that all comes in time. That heady heartaching kind of love is temporary insanity, a trick nature plays on us emotional beasts to induce us to procreate.

I'm twice your age and have been where you are...made every mistake you can make and a few new ones too! I found my true relationship at 30 something. Some are lucky to find it earlier.

It's worth waiting for....but in the meantime...stop being in such a rush, enjoy yourself and stop being too serious.

[Indy Scout 117]

The feeling of heartbreak has inspired many generations of poets, writers, and singers. I count my blessing every day that I have been with the love of my life since I was 18. We're going on ten years.
ooh thats cute. i honestly thought i'd marry my ex, but that was just me setting myself up for a good hurtin...shmeh. oh well. you guys are right. thank you all sooooo much!!! :D

[Lonsome_Drifter]

I know that it sucks to hear this now. But, things happen for a reason. If she's not the right one; you will find another.
I know you most likely don't want to hear that at all right now. Heartbreak is one of the strongest and most hurtful emotions a human-being has. Time does heal all wounds.

[Dr Bones]

I know that it sucks to hear this now. But, things happen for a reason. If she's not the right one; you will find another.
I know you most likely don't want to hear that at all right now. Heartbreak is one of the strongest and most hurtful emotions a human-being has. Time does heal all wounds.


Exactly.

Try to move on as you you'll never find fulfilment languishing in failure.

These things are experiences which will make you or break you...learn from them, mature and understand yourself from them and they will make you the man someone is waiting for.

[IndyWolf15]

that sucks. its lots of fun. probelm is when its over...if you were really connected to your boyfriend/girlfriend, the feeling of loss sucks...:down:
Yeah it is. But when your a girl your parents are very protective, you know what I mean?

[Jack Nelligan]

ok so im asking the Indy Community for advise on love...

so there's this girl, her name is Amber (Love that name, its a beautiful name) and we used to date each other. we are very very different from each other. for example, our choice in movies we like (me: action, adventure and sci fi type stuff; her: more of a classic, oldie and 'battle-of-the-wits' kinda movies), our choice in books (pretty much the same deal), choice in music, etc. music was a big one; we both like alternative (she got me into it), but she HATES country, which i happen to love. hell, when we went to our homecoming dance together, they played a Taylor Swift song and she refused to dance to it.

anyway, so how it ended was i was being an idiot. she wasnt feeling good for a couple of days and i thought she was like ignoring me. now see, im a very paranoid person, no joke, i honestly think that poeple i know and love keep secrets from me and stuff. anyway, so i asked her sister (now i know i messed up big time here) if Amber even cared about me anymore. bad mistake. her sister told her and she broke up with me.

now understand that our relationship wasnt what one would imagine as a 'normal' kinda relationship. i loved her, but she didnt love me back. she liked me a lot, but she didnt feel the same way i did for her.

so now here i am, and i thought i was over her breaking up with me, but thoughts keep coming back to me (which is a bad thing). i miss the feelings i had for her, the fun times we had, and every little detail about it. but see, we arent very compatible, and one of my friends told me that dating is just a way to find out who's more compatible with you, y'know what i mean? a relationship wouldnt have lasted much longer between us, i think, because we werent compatible enough. but here i am now, and i considered trying to get together with her again, but i know for a fact that that wont happen. i mean we're still friends (not as good as we used to be before i asked her out), but...its like i am being torn apart by 2 different feelings. one side: im not sure if i still love her, but i kinda want to get back together with her, and i just want those good old feelings back.

the other side: i could find another girl, which could be just as bad a problem; think about it: i find another girl, whom might actually love me like i would love her, and then i forget all about my problems with Amber, but if something were to happen between me and my new girlfriend and we broke up, then i would be in the same exact position i am in now, maybe even worse. and i keep tellin myself that Amber and i cant possibly get back together because it just wouldnt work out, but the other part of me isnt listening to that.

its a really confusing situation. i just need some advise from you all. i would go to my "Sister" for adivse, but shes heard so much of this kinda stuff from me that she could use a break from it. maybe ill still ask her, i dunno. but what do you all think? is this, like, normal? i have never been in a relationship until i met Amber, and i havent really experienced break-ups before. what do you think i should do???


Your paranoia sound to me like insecurity.

My advice to you is to take some time away from relationships and work on yourself. Find out who you are and work on your self-esteem.

Without confidence, healthy self-esteem and a good sense of who you are and what you want, any relationship you are in will fail. Find yourself, find your confidence, and the right person will find you. You won’t even have to look for her!

[Indy Scout 117]

Yeah it is. But when your a girl your parents are very protective, you know what I mean?
from a guy's perspective, yes i know wat you mean :p

Your paranoia sound to me like insecurity.

My advice to you is to take some time away from relationships and work on yourself. Find out who you are and work on your self-esteem.


my paranioa is something that has been with me for as long as i can remember. im not even sure what to do about it anymore.

[IndyWolf15]

from a guy's perspective, yes i know wat you mean :p

Thank you for understanding :D

[Lonsome_Drifter]

Thank you for understanding :D

He's just flirting!
I'm kidding. . .Or am I? :eek:

[Indy Scout 117]

He's just flirting!
I'm kidding. . .Or am I? :eek:
no of course not. i am not flirtin.

[IndyWolf15]

He's just flirting!
I'm kidding. . .Or am I? :eek:
And why would he be flirting? :confused: Oh and your making we nerves.

We are merely talking :D

Indy Scout maybe when I turn 16 my parents will let me get a bf. BTW I'm shy. So I freak out when a boy around my age or older starts talking to me.

[Lonsome_Drifter]

And why would he be flirting? :confused: Oh and your making we nerves.

We are merely talking :D

Indy Scout maybe when I turn 16 my parents will let me get a bf. BTW I'm shy. So I freak out when a boy around my age or older starts talking to me.

"Making we nerves"? What does that mean?

[IndyWolf15]

"Making we nerves"? What does that mean?
:eek: See your making me nervous again, stoping your freaking me out I can't even spell correctly, your scaring me :o

[Lonsome_Drifter]

:eek: See your making me nervous again, stoping your freaking me out I can't even spell correctly, your scaring me :o

How on Earth am I scaring you?

[IndyWolf15]

How on Earth am I scaring you?
Well when people say some one is flirting with me which is a boy and I'm not use to boys flirting with me and so I freak out, my friends do that to me for fun saying a guy is flirting with me :rolleyes: Even do I would like to have a BF. If I do get a bf it will be my first time.

[indifan101]

so now here i am, and i thought i was over her breaking up with me, but thoughts keep coming back to me (which is a bad thing). i miss the feelings i had for her, the fun times we had, and every little detail about it. but see, we arent very compatible, and one of my friends told me that dating is just a way to find out who's more compatible with you, y'know what i mean? a relationship wouldnt have lasted much longer between us, i think, because we werent compatible enough. but here i am now, and i considered trying to get together with her again, but i know for a fact that that wont happen. i mean we're still friends (not as good as we used to be before i asked her out), but...its like i am being torn apart by 2 different feelings. one side: im not sure if i still love her, but i kinda want to get back together with her, and i just want those good old feelings back.

Dude your 17 bro. You have all the time in the world to go out and date other girls. This should be something you should move on with man it's not worth getting yourself worried or sick over. I'm 20 and trust me I've had ex situations before where I thought hmmm maybe I should give her another chance and try it again. Not a good idea bro honestly it's not. I went in over my head and nah it wasn't a smart idea. We broke up quickly, I moved on and found someone else who I've been dating now for 6 months and she's well she's perfect. I'm talking the woman of my dreams come to life! But anyways don't let this stuff eat you up inside bro. Oh and choosing a college don't let that eat you up either lol;) :up:

[Goonie]

I think you need to read the Velvet Jones book Kicked in the Butt by Love.

[Jack Nelligan]

from a guy's perspective, yes i know wat you mean :p



my paranioa is something that has been with me for as long as i can remember. im not even sure what to do about it anymore.



One thing I learned a long time ago is that most people don’t have time to be worried about, think about or even really care what other people are doing, because they are busy trying to live their lives the best they can. Once you realize that others are not thinking about you very often, you will be better off. Find you passion and do what you love to do, and you will find yourself in the process. Once you fond yourself, others will be drawn to you and you won’t even have to look for them. If you feel you truly have a REAL problem with paranoia and it is more than just insecurity, you should get some professional help ASAP!

[Jack Nelligan]

so now here i am, and i thought i was over her breaking up with me, but thoughts keep coming back to me (which is a bad thing). i miss the feelings i had for her, the fun times we had, and every little detail about it. but see, we arent very compatible, and one of my friends told me that dating is just a way to find out who's more compatible with you, y'know what i mean? a relationship wouldnt have lasted much longer between us, i think, because we werent compatible enough. but here i am now, and i considered trying to get together with her again, but i know for a fact that that wont happen. i mean we're still friends (not as good as we used to be before i asked her out), but...its like i am being torn apart by 2 different feelings. one side: im not sure if i still love her, but i kinda want to get back together with her, and i just want those good old feelings back.

Dude your 17 bro. You have all the time in the world to go out and date other girls. This should be something you should move on with man it's not worth getting yourself worried or sick over. I'm 20 and trust me I've had ex situations before where I thought hmmm maybe I should give her another chance and try it again. Not a good idea bro honestly it's not. I went in over my head and nah it wasn't a smart idea. We broke up quickly, I moved on and found someone else who I've been dating now for 6 months and she's well she's perfect. I'm talking the woman of my dreams come to life! But anyways don't let this stuff eat you up inside bro. Oh and choosing a college don't let that eat you up either lol;) :up:


Why would you want to be with a girl who does not want to be with you?!?!?!

You have a lot of growing up to do, and you have all the time in the world to do it. Don't rush into anything and keep all of your options open. You never know what you will find, or what will find you.

[Dr Bones]

Too many people rushing to be at some place...life is the journey, not the destination.

Take your time and enjoy it.

Chasing loves is like chasing rabbits.

Don't take stuff too seriously either if you can help it..You seem very strung out and intense...the last thing you should take too seriously is yourself, because when you do, nobody else will.

When you're relaxed and happy with yourself, you will grow in character and confidence and that's more than half the battle when it comes to attracting the opposite sex.

It's something you cant rush or fake, if you try you end up with excatly what you put into a relationship.


You hear older people say love is better with age....it's true....you learn more about yourself and relationships and appreciate it more withou the cloud of rampaging hormones fooling you into confusing lust and love.