Pale Horse
07-08-2004, 03:51 AM
Originally Posted by Pale Horse Here (http://raven.theraider.net/showthread.php?threadid=5692&perpage=15&pagenumber=2) on Jan. 23, 2004
Stay tuned for my next videocassette, the intermediate Indiana Jones Workout. It’s a four page workout involving such things as the Rope Swing, the Sword Swinging, the Basic Jump (from various moving objects…the jump’s not hard, but balance is what we stress here), Stopping a Moving Truck, and diet tips like The Canteen is your friend, Salt on a Wound is better than a Kiss on the End of a Woman’s Fist, How ‘bout them Apples, and How to Tell When Water Goes Bad.
So here we are, boys and girls (and I can say that by the looks of you all). It has been about six months, and where are we all at?
THAT'S RIGHT MAGGOTS, You are all pathetic! None of you followed my routine! Don’t deny it, there are pictures all over this message board.
So now begins the IJ-IV work-out, Intermediate Style, and hopefully your marshmallow bodies will be able to keep up the accelerated pace:
WORK FIRST (ALL Upper Body) – Food Later
1. Sword Swinging.
I know there are lazy people who think grabbing a fellow member of the Raven by the arm and twirling him around the dance floor is a good way to burn off the ill effects of bad Chinese food, but this advanced move is much more complicated than flinging a kabob stick into someone’s heart.
Start by stealing a balanced blade from (oh, I don’t know. It just appeared in the film) somewhere. Raise it high over your head with both hands, and; using your lateral dorsal muscles, bring the blade down swiftly and firmly onto a hemp laden bridge. Had you actually been practicing the above mentioned exercises, this would be one fluid motion. You woosies will probably need 7 or 8 strikes to make a clean cut. Don’t worry about any sinking feeling you may feel, it is only the ground rush from not working out the last 6 months.
2. The Rope Swing
Very closely related to sword swinging. Same muscles used. Find some Thugees. This should be easy enough for you softies with flabby bodies. Just walk into a bad neighborhood where a fledgling police force exists. Insult their leader and run (covered in the first video tape) to the highest bridge.
Now using the whip throw (also in Chapt. 1), throw your whip you didn’t bring your whip, did you…never mind.
Enough Upper Body, it’s time to use those flesh sticks you all call legs for some real exercise.
1. The Basic Jump
It sounds easy enough. Bend and the knees, and propel yourself into the air. Only in this version of the video tape, you're moving.
That’s right, grasp your neighbor’s horse, because they are the only one actually doing something besides reading this board, and strap your flesh sticks around the horse’s mid-section. Fast forward to the part where the horse is galloping frantically (because you squeezed too tight) to the part where some vehicle is pacing you and your errant horse.
NOW here is the tricky part. Had you actually practiced the Raise the Ark maneuver in lesson one, this would all seem normal.
Reach with both hands over to the moving vehicle, and bring the vehicle closer to you. For those of you paying attention, this actually means thrusting yourself with your legs to the vehicle. Ah ha..we found the members who weren’t practicing…. :D
2. How to Stop a Moving Truck
With any luck, you are clinging to the moving vehicle with the skin twigs you call extremities (you should have been working out). Now you have to slow down the vehicle to properly disembark.
Start by thrusting yourself through the front windshield of the moving vehicle. This should be easy if you have been using video one, and have perfected the Basic Jump from video two. Now slide across the vehicles hood, and position yourself on a bicycle seat directly in front of the headlight. (see: How to Attach a Seat to a Truck, Without Really Trying, by Special FX Crew member Sammy Sore Saddle)
Now, thrust both feet into the passing dirt. If your sole’s start to smoke and burn, don’t ask for water…”TRUST ME”. :cool:
Your body is exhausted, I know Time for nourishment.
1. Salt
Have you ever hit your chin on the edge of a mirror? If so, you know what salt feels like on your battered body. Especially if some drooling woman thinks it’s part of a romantic ritual to inspire lusty passions only know about by Venetian women.
But it is necessary for allowing your body to retain water, as you will see next.
2. Canteen’s
They hold water. They are also the elixir of life, with first aid qualities that can restore you from close to death, to practically immortal. Just ask anyone who has successfully meandered the Emperors Tomb. Having salt in your body will help you maintain a libation of the liquid in your body. Deep in workout two you will understand why this is important, especially if you have to spit in somebody’s face. And remember, if it has a fish in it, you can be sure there was a small string brown thing hanging from it’s under body, and that means bacteria.
Either that, or the water is over 500 years old and will produce instant ageing upon consumption. You be the judge.
AND LASTLY
3. Apples
They Keep the Dr. Away. Unless of course the doctor is practiced in the art of nocturnal activities and ancient mating customs. In that case, welcome an apple with open arms, and stop playing hard to get. The life you save may be your own. It may even save the Dr. from strangling himself to death in his own room to save his pride. Besides, just because a monkey king has the apple, doesn’t mean we are all returning to Eden.
And that is it for IJ-IV video workout “Intermediate Style”
Stay tuned for the Advanced Tape…with workouts I can’t even describe here… :D
Stay tuned for my next videocassette, the intermediate Indiana Jones Workout. It’s a four page workout involving such things as the Rope Swing, the Sword Swinging, the Basic Jump (from various moving objects…the jump’s not hard, but balance is what we stress here), Stopping a Moving Truck, and diet tips like The Canteen is your friend, Salt on a Wound is better than a Kiss on the End of a Woman’s Fist, How ‘bout them Apples, and How to Tell When Water Goes Bad.
So here we are, boys and girls (and I can say that by the looks of you all). It has been about six months, and where are we all at?
THAT'S RIGHT MAGGOTS, You are all pathetic! None of you followed my routine! Don’t deny it, there are pictures all over this message board.
So now begins the IJ-IV work-out, Intermediate Style, and hopefully your marshmallow bodies will be able to keep up the accelerated pace:
WORK FIRST (ALL Upper Body) – Food Later
1. Sword Swinging.
I know there are lazy people who think grabbing a fellow member of the Raven by the arm and twirling him around the dance floor is a good way to burn off the ill effects of bad Chinese food, but this advanced move is much more complicated than flinging a kabob stick into someone’s heart.
Start by stealing a balanced blade from (oh, I don’t know. It just appeared in the film) somewhere. Raise it high over your head with both hands, and; using your lateral dorsal muscles, bring the blade down swiftly and firmly onto a hemp laden bridge. Had you actually been practicing the above mentioned exercises, this would be one fluid motion. You woosies will probably need 7 or 8 strikes to make a clean cut. Don’t worry about any sinking feeling you may feel, it is only the ground rush from not working out the last 6 months.
2. The Rope Swing
Very closely related to sword swinging. Same muscles used. Find some Thugees. This should be easy enough for you softies with flabby bodies. Just walk into a bad neighborhood where a fledgling police force exists. Insult their leader and run (covered in the first video tape) to the highest bridge.
Now using the whip throw (also in Chapt. 1), throw your whip you didn’t bring your whip, did you…never mind.
Enough Upper Body, it’s time to use those flesh sticks you all call legs for some real exercise.
1. The Basic Jump
It sounds easy enough. Bend and the knees, and propel yourself into the air. Only in this version of the video tape, you're moving.
That’s right, grasp your neighbor’s horse, because they are the only one actually doing something besides reading this board, and strap your flesh sticks around the horse’s mid-section. Fast forward to the part where the horse is galloping frantically (because you squeezed too tight) to the part where some vehicle is pacing you and your errant horse.
NOW here is the tricky part. Had you actually practiced the Raise the Ark maneuver in lesson one, this would all seem normal.
Reach with both hands over to the moving vehicle, and bring the vehicle closer to you. For those of you paying attention, this actually means thrusting yourself with your legs to the vehicle. Ah ha..we found the members who weren’t practicing…. :D
2. How to Stop a Moving Truck
With any luck, you are clinging to the moving vehicle with the skin twigs you call extremities (you should have been working out). Now you have to slow down the vehicle to properly disembark.
Start by thrusting yourself through the front windshield of the moving vehicle. This should be easy if you have been using video one, and have perfected the Basic Jump from video two. Now slide across the vehicles hood, and position yourself on a bicycle seat directly in front of the headlight. (see: How to Attach a Seat to a Truck, Without Really Trying, by Special FX Crew member Sammy Sore Saddle)
Now, thrust both feet into the passing dirt. If your sole’s start to smoke and burn, don’t ask for water…”TRUST ME”. :cool:
Your body is exhausted, I know Time for nourishment.
1. Salt
Have you ever hit your chin on the edge of a mirror? If so, you know what salt feels like on your battered body. Especially if some drooling woman thinks it’s part of a romantic ritual to inspire lusty passions only know about by Venetian women.
But it is necessary for allowing your body to retain water, as you will see next.
2. Canteen’s
They hold water. They are also the elixir of life, with first aid qualities that can restore you from close to death, to practically immortal. Just ask anyone who has successfully meandered the Emperors Tomb. Having salt in your body will help you maintain a libation of the liquid in your body. Deep in workout two you will understand why this is important, especially if you have to spit in somebody’s face. And remember, if it has a fish in it, you can be sure there was a small string brown thing hanging from it’s under body, and that means bacteria.
Either that, or the water is over 500 years old and will produce instant ageing upon consumption. You be the judge.
AND LASTLY
3. Apples
They Keep the Dr. Away. Unless of course the doctor is practiced in the art of nocturnal activities and ancient mating customs. In that case, welcome an apple with open arms, and stop playing hard to get. The life you save may be your own. It may even save the Dr. from strangling himself to death in his own room to save his pride. Besides, just because a monkey king has the apple, doesn’t mean we are all returning to Eden.
And that is it for IJ-IV video workout “Intermediate Style”
Stay tuned for the Advanced Tape…with workouts I can’t even describe here… :D