Contest Results

[indyjones2131]

Congrats to the winners (I am not one of them).

I noticed for the art contest, the site included a crtique for a few of the entries. I was wondering if the same will be done for the writing entries at some point. I would love to get feed back on my entry and read the thoughts of the judges on others as well.

Also, I would LOVE another crack at it - any rumblings of another contest anytime in the near future?

Thanks guys.

[Colonel Vogel]

Congratulations Deadlock! :whip: :D

[Deadlock]

Given that I didn't win anything, I assume you're congratulating me for actually buckling down to crank out a 50 page screenplay in 6 weeks...

To which I say, thank you for the kind words (and the next 70 pages are still coming). ;)

[Colonel Vogel]

Deadlock, always gracious in defeat. :cool:

[Canyon]

Canyon slumped in the chair exhausted, after a hard day at work.
A man stepped into the room and sighed. He had seen this look all to often on his friend's face.
"Canyon, what's wrong?" he asked, stepping closer.
Canyon looked up.
"Oh Indy, I've had a really bad day at work, and I've just found out that I didn't win the fan fiction writing contest. Perhaps I should just give up right now."
The archaeologist crouched down to Canyon's level, his hazel eyes bore through her.
“Something I said?” asked Canyon.
“Don’t play games with me!” he growled.
Canyon stared in disbelief.
“Indy, what…”
“You know damn well!” said Indy running a hand over his stubbled jaw.
Canyon paused for a moment.
“Sorry. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Indy sighed.
“You said you weren’t going to quit writing!”
“Oh that.”
“That?!”
“Oh c’mon, Indy…”
“Don't do this.”
“I’m not. I…”
“For cryin' out loud Canyon, you can’t quit now.”
“I’m not quitting Indy, I’m just not going to be writing anymore.”
“So what? You’re not going to carry on because you didn't make it into the top three? Is that it?”
“No!”
“Then, what is it?”
I sighed.
“I don’t know.”
I sighed again.
"Canyon, can you do something for me."
"Yes?"
The archaeologist's eyes softened, and he put his arms around Canyon, and hugged her tightly.
"Believe in yourself, kid."

Is it too late to put in another entry? :D Seriously though, congratulations to those that did win.

Perhaps next time there can be five prizewinners instead of three... ;)

Deadlock, I was surprised that you weren't one of the winners. :confused:

[indyjones2131]

So any word on another fan fiction contest or at least some feedback from the judges on the non-winning entries? Am I the only one curious enough to want to know what they thought? (Besides that it apparently sucked too much to win)

[Deadlock]

So any word on another fan fiction contest or at least some feedback from the judges on the non-winning entries? Am I the only one curious enough to want to know what they thought? (Besides that it apparently sucked too much to win)

I too am curious to know of any feedback from the judges. But, 2131, if feedback is what you're looking for... I'm not a pro by any means, but I'd be willing to put in my 2 cents on your work (if you'd be willing to do the same for me :) ).

Deadlock, I was surprised that you weren't one of the winners. :confused:

Thanks for the compliment. :) I take it you liked the screenplay. BTW the scene in the Cairo hotel bathroom was written with you droolers in mind (and to advance the story...). ;)

[indyjones2131]

Yeah Deadlock,

I'll read your entry as well. Mine didn't turn out like I wanted, but time was up and I had to turn it in. Are you pursuing writing as a career or a hobby?
My entry is the Tower of knowledge. Be as critical as you'd like - as I said, I'm not exactly thrilled with a lot of it.
I emailed Gilles about getting more feedback and asked him about the possibility of another contest, but he hasn't gotten back to me yet.
What is the title of your entry?

[Deadlock]

Mine is in the script section: Indiana Jones and the Realm of the Dead.

I've actually already read Tower of Knowledge... but I'll need to re-read it with fine tooth comb in hand. (You and I actually have some vaguely similar ideas about Marion. You know what they say about great minds... :) )

I'm definitely pursuing writing as a hobby... I'm open to it becoming a career, but I'm definitely in the "don't quit your day job" category. ;)

[Canyon]

My entry is 'Indiana Jones and the Secret of the Scrolls' in the Novelization section. :cool:

[Schizo]

Mine is in the script section: Indiana Jones and the Realm of the Dead.

I've actually already read Tower of Knowledge... but I'll need to re-read it with fine tooth comb in hand. (You and I actually have some vaguely similar ideas about Marion. You know what they say about great minds... :) )

I'm definitely pursuing writing as a hobby... I'm open to it becoming a career, but I'm definitely in the "don't quit your day job" category. ;)
I just got done reading your screenplay, Deadlock, and I must say it's execellent. Definately one of the best I've ever read. It's a shame you didn't place in the top three though... but of course, there's always next time... ;)

[Deadlock]

There are various reasons why writers put their characters in various situations or make them say certain things. Especially with established characters, the reader is comparing what they're reading against their own idea of what the character is all about.

That said, there are a couple of places where my idea of Indy and yours clashes. "Canyon Indy" spends a lot of time talking/thinking about romantic relationships, flirting with chicks, and has a hard time with fights that seems like he should win easily. It's your story, but I have concerns that "Canyon Indy" is too much of a deviation from "Movie Indy" (especially from "Raiders Indy"). I never pictured Indy being so mushy, but hey, I'm a guy... :)

I'm not trying to diminish your enjoyment of a very personal exercise like writing, you just may want to consider your audience's sensibilities.

Some other random thoughts:
* Initial ambush of Indy/Maria: Indy inexplicably let his attackers go. (maybe it'd be better if he and Maria run away) Given that the goons show up again so quickly, it makes Indy look gullible and ineffective if he just lets them go and goes to sleep.
* Why is Maria working the dig site in the dark while everyone is sleeping? Kinda fishy (but maybe that was your intention).
* At one point you call the truck a "jeep".
* I'll defer to any whip experts, but I don't think there's enough room to crack a 10 foot long bullwhip in the back of a covered truck.
* Too much conversation when they are hanging from the whip. (I already thought they were in the clear).
* Indy's dialogue with Maria: "Sugar", "Sweetheart" I don't really think that this is "Indyish", sounds more like Han Solo. :) )
* Unless there's some later story tie-in for Sabratha... I think that the lecture is too long. It's good and seems accurate, but you could get the same idea across in half the number of words (at most). Once again if Sabratha has a tie-in, leave it.
* How does Marcus know the name of the mysterious "Order of the Stars" that is harassing people on campus? (Do the purple tunics have the organization name printed on them? :D)
* Not really a criticism, but Indy sure has a lot of nice things to say about England! I suppose the fact that the author is from England is a COMPLETE coincidence... :D

Frequently used words/phrases (not a really a problem, just FYI):
* fascinate
* "in the face"
* glare

Overall, I enjoyed your story. I hope that my feedback is constructive.

[Canyon]

You got me there. http://www.indygear.com/cow/images/smiles/icon_redface.gif

Perhaps I should give up writing after all... :(











Just kidding. :D

Deadlock, I would like to thank you for your constructive critizism. It hurts like hell, but I have always been quite a sensitive person at heart, but I'm not taking this to heart. Honest. ;)

The story is not actually finished yet, and as you can see, there are many things that I have to change.

I guess I'm heading more for a LC type Indy, bearing in mind that the story is set in 1942. ;)

I will definately take into consideration the things which you have suggested, and all in all, I'm glad you enjoyed reading it. :)

[Deadlock]

Deadlock, I would like to thank you for your constructive critizism. It hurts like hell, but I have always been quite a sensitive person at heart, but I'm not taking this to heart. Honest. ;)

The story is not actually finished yet, and as you can see, there are many things that I have to change.

I hope I that I haven't offended you. I really do mean well. ;)

I guess I should have included comments on the things that I liked... I liked the hintings about Marcus and the librarian. Poor Marcus doesn't get much in the way of character development. Good to see him doing something besides dusting his museum or showing up in Indy's class with another mission. :) I also like the idea that Indy is more comfortable facing off with the Third Reich than he is with stuffy official functions.

I'm okay with there being other sides to Indy, ones that we haven't seen in the films. I'm just suggesting that this is fine line to walk, if you want other Indy fans to accept your work.

[Canyon]

No no no. You've quoted it all wrong. :rolleyes:

It's: "If I have offended you, then I am sorry." :p :D

Seriously though, I'm glad to see that there are some things you enjoyed in the story. I need to give some serious thought to changing a few things around.

I'm just read your screenplay, which is both brilliant, if a bit sad in places. I'm not sure where you're going with this right now, but I'm sure I will soon. :)


Later....




"It's good. It's very, very good." :D

Just one critzism though.........












....I want to read more now! :D

[Pale Horse]

Deadlock is a grand storyteller, as are you Canyon. While criticism is hard, it really helps when it comes from a writer who is talented.

just a two bit, that's all.

[indyjones2131]

What'd you think of Tower of Knowledge?

[Canyon]

What'd you think of Tower of Knowledge?

I think it's Fantastic! :D

I was curious who the mysterious gentleman was, and was surprised when I found out and was completely gripped by your writing. There really is some great stuff here, and you are an excellent writer :) ;)

Gotta read more of that as well! :cool:

[Canyon]

Gilles, are the winners members of this messageboard? :confused:

[Canyon]

Sorry for the multiple postings. :eek:

Deadlock is a grand storyteller, as are you Canyon.

Palehorse, you're too kind. :o

[Canyon]

Me again. :rolleyes: :D

Deadlock, my dear, I've just noticed a few things that you mentioned. :)


* I'll defer to any whip experts, but I don't think there's enough room to crack a 10 foot long bullwhip in the back of a covered truck.
* Indy's dialogue with Maria: "Sugar", "Sweetheart" I don't really think that this is "Indyish", sounds more like Han Solo. :) )
* Not really a criticism, but Indy sure has a lot of nice things to say about England! I suppose the fact that the author is from England is a COMPLETE coincidence... :D


* Indy does not crack his whip in the truck, but rather on the top of it.
As Indy returned the knife to his pocket, he saw that there were two men seated either side of Maria and Indy reached down and grabbed male passenger and pulled him up out of his seat. The man was startled and tried to wriggle free from Indy’s grasp. He began to pull himself up and then threw a punch at Indy, but the archaeologist’s reflexes were fast and he quickly ducked out of the way. The man drew a gun from his pocket and almost at once Indy’s bullwhip was in his hand.
The end of the whip caught the gun and Indy quickly jerked the whip, flinging the weapon away. The man was startled and Indy took advantage of this and hit him in the stomach.

* FYI, Indy says the word 'sweethert' three times in Temple of Doom:
"They aren't birds, sweetheart. They're giant vampire bats."
"That's why they call it the jungle, sweetheart."
"Sweetheart, after all the fun we've had."

*If you read the books, Indy has spent a lot of time in England and I didn't just set it in the UK because I live there. ;)

I'm not getting at you. I just hope that this post clarafies a few things. :)

[Deadlock]

* Indy does not crack his whip in the truck, but rather on the top of it.

My bad. However, I still have misgivings about that action scene... Number one, I don't think he'd be steady enough to stand on the back of a truck while it's in motion down a narrow road. For the sake of argument, let's pretend that he can. Is there room on the top of the truck for TWO men to stand there? And if there was, is there enough distance between them for Indy to use his bullwhip? If they were on top of a train boxcar, I'd say yes.

* FYI, Indy says the word 'sweethert' three times in Temple of Doom:
"They aren't birds, sweetheart. They're giant vampire bats."
"That's why they call it the jungle, sweetheart."
"Sweetheart, after all the fun we've had."

True, true, true. I'm not the biggest Temple fan, so that may be part of it. ;) However, I would also say that there is a difference between his relationship with Willie and with Maria. With Willie there was a lot of banter and sarcasm... I just got a different vibe about Maria.

*If you read the books, Indy has spent a lot of time in England and I didn't just set it in the UK because I live there. ;)

I haven't read the books actually. But I have zero beef with the UK. I hope to visit there someday (especially the castles in Wales). :) I'm merely concerned about how many times England gets mentioned in the 10 pages of your story...

“So Indy, what do you think of the English?”
Indy smiled “They’re great”, he said. “Everyone’s real friendly and…”
“Yes?”
“Well, the women are especially friendly”, he began.
Maria smiled.
“And very beautiful.”

“I’m originally from Bristol and I’ve visited Avebury a few times. It’s a very interesting place, isn’t it?”
Indy thought back to his recent experience and nodded. “Yes it is.”

“I understand that you’ve just gotten back from England. How was it?”
“It was interesting. It’s a lovely country. “

“That’s fine. So you had an interesting time in England it would seem.”
“Yeah, and it was great to see Maria again.”

Oh yeah, one thing I didn't catch earlier... At the top of page one it says "Epilogue." Shouldn't that be "Prologue"?

[indyjones2131]

Now this is the kind of feedback I was talking about. :D
I wish Gilles would have gotten back to me on Tower of Knowledge - writing to meant to be read and discussed: Good, bad and ugly. We are all novices to some degree and contructive (or otherwise) criticism is part of that.

Feel free to offer suggestions to me on Tower of Knowledge. Who knows, I might even listen

[Deadlock]

Fear not 2131! I'm working on a write up for yours too. ;)

[indyjones2131]

Perhaps I should be careful what I wish for, huh?

Ofcourse, I'm not sure if there is anything you can tel me about it, that I haven't already criticized myself for.

...or maybe there is

I've read about half of yours, so I'll give you my two cents soon as well.

Man, I really want another Indy writing contest soon!!

[Canyon]

Oh yeah, one thing I didn't catch earlier... At the top of page one it says "Epilogue." Shouldn't that be "Prologue"?

The thing is, Gilles originally didn't get my entry the first time and he only found out that was entering because of my posts on the other thread. I then had to rush to get this in on time, hence the incorrect wording at the beginning. :o

I'm all for comments about my story, and I understand where you're coming from, but perhaps it was a bad idea for me to enter this contest at this time. :(

[BrodyIsDead]

Gilles, are the winners members of this messageboard? :confused: -

"One of them, at least, is now!" ;)

Hi, everyone, just wanted to introduce myself as a new member on the forum - I was interested as to the feedback aspect of the Fan Fiction entries that's going on here on The Raven - writing is my hobby at the moment but I'd really love it to become a profession one day.

Anyone read my story The Quest of The White Knight? I'd appreciate any thoughts, crits, questions about it - I'm a big fan of everything Indy and tried to refer to lots of the literature out there in my story - can anyone guess the two time periods the story was set in? :p

[Colonel Vogel]

What do you get for coming 3rd?

[BrodyIsDead]

I believe I get 4 Indy books - which is good cos I haven't read those particular four...! :whip: (just trying out the smilies!)

I had a lot of fun writing my story - it provided an excuse to re-read the Indy comics and rewind the Indy videos - and weave an interconnecting story with what's already out there...

If anyone can't guess the two time periods my story is set in, I'll update you in a new post here soon... :confused:

[Deadlock]

Anyone read my story The Quest of The White Knight? I'd appreciate any thoughts, crits, questions about it - I'm a big fan of everything Indy and tried to refer to lots of the literature out there in my story - can anyone guess the two time periods the story was set in? :p

Welcome to you BrodyisDead... (Always nice to see another "Dead" member... :dead: )

I read your work and let me say that is the prize winner that I liked best.

I really felt like you developed existing characters in the Indy universe in an interesting way. I also liked how you brought back Marion and Marcus' private quest to find the Ark. The top two entries were well-written enough, but there's wasn't much in the way of character development or truly "outside the box" ideas for the Indy universe. I felt the were too safe and conventional.


(I might also note that your work could ALMOST lead into a larger work, like say... REALM OF THE DEAD. ;) )

[BrodyIsDead]

Thanks for all that Deadlock - good to hear that what I tried to do I did achieve - I loved bringing back Herman and Waltz (they appeared in The Young Telegraph comics strips of Young Indy in the 1990s but I've never seen them posted on any site dealing with Indy in print). :D

I haven't read the 1st and 2nd prize winners yet but have a few days off work now so I'll have to check out the competition...

I'm intriged as to the story mine could lead into - is it online perchance? :confused:

[Deadlock]

I'm intriged as to the story mine could lead into - is it online perchance? :confused:


You bet it is. Indiana Jones and the Realm of the Dead is my screenplay for Indy 4. I submitted the first act and part of the second act for the contest. Enjoy (http://www.theraider.net/features/contests/fanfiction/nick_franceschi.pdf). ;)

[Deadlock]

First... My favorite thing from Tower of Knowledge: the intro of Abner. Great stuff. I think you portray an awesome difference between Abner and Henry Sr. I completely agree with your vision too... Henry is uptight, Abner is laidback... Making it easy for Indy to eventually join up with Abner.

The beginning seems like it's supposed to be a frantic escape... but I think all the flashbacks break things up too much. By the time I got to the end of the "Young Indy" piece, I'd pretty much forgotten what was going on. And when I did remember that Indy was being chased, it just didn't feel like Indy was in much danger. He seemed to have plenty of time to be pensive. If it is truly hairs-breadth escape, I think the sequence needs to be a bit more streamlined.

The very short parts describing Indy and Marion's earlier relationship, and the jump to their recent relationship and how Indy got the mission... Those scenes seem a little abrupt to me. Perhaps too many jumps in the timeline in too few pages. I think all the various pieces are fine, but perhaps they need to be placed in a larger work or put together differently. Having the timeline jump around CAN work. (The TV show Lost comes to mind.) But the scenes might have to be shorter and spread out a bit more.

* Ship metaphor: I liked it, but again I'm not sure it fits with the frantic pace of Indy's escape.
* Good description of the warehouse chase.
* The tower pursuit seems unbalanced. For most of it, the baddies aren't anywhere even close, then all of the sudden they're all over Indy.
* Things that I think needed more fleshing out: Who are these tower guys? Why does Crow have it in for Indy?

A lot of great material. I just might reorganize it and turn up the tension on the chase. Once again, this is just my two cents. Take it or leave it. Regardless of what you do with my feedback...

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! :whip:

[Colonel Vogel]

Deadlock, that's exactly what I would have said. :cool:

[indyjones2131]

All valid points for sure - as I said, I knew there were kinks in there.

The biggest problem area seemed to be the flashbacks amid Indy's dangerous situation and I think the mistake I made was not being clear enough in explaining that Indy is battered and broken and getting weaker by the minute. He's been betrayed and injured, he's old and tired and trapped in this damned tower. He slumps to the floor and all but gives up. He starts thinking about his life's pursuits and what it al meant and comes up short on it and Marion is sort of the metaphor in a way of all of that. So he's not exactly in the midst of a perilous excape -moreso a reason to escape has escaped him.
The lack in clarity of this is my fault and no doubt due to the fact that its hard to write your childhood hero as old and tired and giving up -I think this may be the one drawback to writing in a contest like this. It was odd, I had the idea and then it came time to actuallt type it and ...

Any way, I also agree that the flashbacks (tricky lil bastards to get right) are a bit unpolished and the first thing I would fix in my second draft.

Perhaps the ship metaphor should appear when he is on the floor and not as he climbs the stairs - good call.

The baddies in the tower were meant to remain a bit of a mystery. All the reader is told is that they seek the knowledge from science and explorers to drain info in hopes of tracking down history's greatest relics. Crow is one of these guys which xplains his sudden streak of good luck in the field of archaeology. Fleshing out Abnder being held there, Crow's character and motivations, the cult itself etc could literally fill a novel. It was my job to condense that to short story form and give the reader just enough info to get an idea of what these guys were up to. I find this is another great hurdle in writing. You need to get an idea across without spelling it out. This is hard to do because you (the writer) knows the story and can fill in the blanks, but can the reader?

As for the sudden appearance of the baddies this was sort of intentional. I wasnted Indy to give a cocky wave to his thwarted adversaries who are nowhere in sight and then spring them on him from out of nowhere. Seems like something that would happen to this guy, ya know?

By the way, was the action in the climax of the story clear? Could you tell what was happening with the tower and lift?

Anyway, thanks a lot for the input. You made some good points. This was actaully the first time anyone else had read my fiction writing. So to go from having myself as the only audience to an entire website was crazy.

I had a blast writing this story and keep waiting for news of another contest.
Hear that GILLES?

Well, there are some kinks in the story for sure, but I guess the biggest question I have as a writer is if it comes off as goofy, or hokey or unprofessional. I always wondered that if my words were in a hardback cover, would they look like they were written by a real writer or simply someone who writes stories. Do you know what I mean?

I'll have input on your's soon.

[mazzi725]

Hey guys. I've never posted on this forum before, but I submitted an entry to the contest, Indiana Jones and the Circle of Fate . I've always been a huge fan of Indiana Jones and would like to write some published pieces of literature some day. I had the idea for the script about five years ago, and spent about five months writing it in my spare time. With the amount of time I poured into it, I think you might find some amusing ideas. After working so hard on it, I'd just really like any kind of feedback. I'd be happy to do the same for anyone else's work. :whip:

[Canyon]

Mazzi, I just wanted you to know that I thouroughly enjoyed reading your screenplay.

I thought it was great! :D

[Deadlock]

Mazzi, I think the underlying story is there and that you have some clever scenes (I liked how you cut back and forth between Indy/Marion and Mark's fight). You might want to check out a resource on how film screenplays are written. There are formatting conventions and other guidelines that might help you refine your work.

[mazzi725]

Thanks for the opinions and your advice. Yeah, I originally had the script physically formatted as a screenplay, but thought I could fit more in fifty pages if I kept the margins uniform. By the way, I liked your stories too. :D

[BrodyIsDead]

OK, just in case anyone was itching to know,

my story for the contest was set in the following time periods: :p

Main story/Old Indy - March, 1950 (Brookland Cemetery, Washington DC)

Flashback/Young Indy - June, 1913 (Utah)

I tried to match the story in as much as I could with the existing Indiana Jones timelines available on the Net, so I'd be happy to hear if I got my times and places wrong - hopefully they fit in quite well. :cool:

Here's the link to my 3rd Prize story again: :whip:

http://www.theraider.net/features/contests/fanfiction_contest_winners.php

[Canyon]

Brodyisdead, so far, I've read about half of the entries. I read yours a few days ago, and I just wanted to let you known that I enjoyed your story a great deal. :whip: It thought it was both clever and entertaining.

BTW, congratulations on winning third place. :D

With regards to the timeline, your story seems to fit in pretty well. ;)
http://www.theindyexperience.com/chronicles.shtml

[BrodyIsDead]

Thanks for that Canyon, I'm encouraged by all the reviews I've received so far on these boards. :cool:

It's perhaps slightly off topic so maybe I should start it somewhere else, but has anyone ever read the short cartoon strip "Young Indiana Jones & The Mountains of Superstition"? :confused:

It appeared in The Young Telegraph here in the UK in the early 1990s but I haven't come across scans of it on the internet anywhere - as far as I know it was a one-off unique but official creation for the Daily Telegraph's young people's weekend supplement. (The Plantation Treasure and The Princess Of Peril were adapted for later comic strips too.)

If I can get around to it, I'll try to scan them and submit them to TheRaider.Net for everyone's parousal. :whip:

Anyway, old man Waltz, a character I used in my 3rd prize story (http://www.theraider.net/features/contests/fanfiction_contest_winners.php)
first appeared in the "Young Indiana Jones & The Mountains of Superstition" strip...

[BrodyIsDead]

:whip:

Anyone ever been to the Nazis airport seen in the Last Crusade? :confused:

In 2003, I visited Berlin and happened upon it - got some photos if anyone's interested. Looks like for the film they tarted it up a bit with computer graphics and banners and stuff, but it was unmistakably the same place... :D