Post your funniest jokes here!
Hi. Let's all post the funniest jokes we have ever heard here. If everyone could come up with at least one or two really hilarious jokes apiece, we'd have a nice collection!
Let's keep the joke ratings from G to PG13, okay? Let's not give the moderators a reason to close this thread, because I think it'll be a popular one! Thanks.
Here's my submission:
A businessman is walking down the street when he sees a scruffy-looking hippy-type jumping up and down on a manhole cover. He's screaming, "21! 21! 21!" at the top of his lungs.
The businessman asks the hippy, "What are you yelling '21' for?"
The hippy tears off the manhole cover with a grunt, points down into the depths and says, "Check it out man-- you won't believe what you see!"
Not to be undone by a smelly hippy, the businessman heads down the hole and makes it almost to the bottom. Suddenly, the hippy slams down the manhole cover and begins to jump up and down on it, saying,
"22! 22! 22!"
(A laughing Indy smilie would look good here! See "do you want more smililes" on the Feedback board for details. Tee hee!)
How about this:
Three criminals have been found guilty and are to be shot by a firing squad. It's time for the first criminal.
"TORNADO!" yells the criminal.
Everyone turns to look, and the criminal escapes.
It's the second criminal's turn...
Everyone turns around, so the criminal runs away.
Now for the final criminal.
Here's the next one:
A husband and wife both die and go to heaven, but the wife gets there first. Standing outside the pearly gates, she finds St. Peter. He says, "To enter heaven you must do one thing."
"What is it?" the wife asks.
"You must be able to spell the word 'love'."
"That's it? Okay, L-O-V-E."
"Very good. You may enter heaven. Just one thing: I have to talk to God about something, so would you just take my place for a few minutes?"
"Sure," responds the wife.
Several minutes later, her husband arrives.
She explains that she's taking St. Peter's place for several minutes, and tells him what he must do to enter heaven.
"You must be able to spell one word: Czechoslovakia."
I heard one that I found funny...
For some odd reason, Vlad Putin, Hu Jintao and GWB arrive at the gates of Heaven at the same time. After long consideration St. Peter decides to let them in, to a green field with eternal sunshine and blossoming flowers.
"There, is however, one condition... you must not, under any circumstances... to step on a daisy."
Well, the men start spending their afterlife, and then the unavoidable happens: Hu steps on a daisy. At the same instant, Peter reappears with the ugliest hag man has ever seen and handcuffs her together with the Chinaman.
Putin and Bush keep going, but soon Vlad takes one careless step and puff, another daisy has been stepped on. The gatekeeper appears again and there stands Putin, chained to not-so-pleasant company.
GWB keeps on going alone. Couple of hours pass, then St. Peter suddenly approaches him and without saying a word, cuffs him together with an adorable sugar blonde and leaves.
"Now, what did I do to earn this?" wonders Dubya.
"Don't know about you," replies the blonde, "but I stepped on a daisy."
LOL! Very good, guys! Keep going!
This one is much better in person because some of the humor comes from the goofy voice needed to imitate the third daughter.
A man is relaxing in the yard watching his three daughters at play. One of his daughters breaks away from the group approaches the father and says "Daddy, why did you name me Rose?" The father replied, "Well, when you were born a rose petal fell upon your head." Satisfied, the little girl re-joins the group.
Soon the second daugher comes to the father and asks, "Where did I get my name?" The father looks at her and said, "When you were born, a Daisy fell onto your head." Happy with the answer she received, she joins her sisters.
As expected, the third daughter comes over to the father and says (...and use a really goofy voice when voicing the third daughter!) "Daddy, where did I get my name?" to which the father replies "Shut up Cinderblock!"
ROTFLMAO! Good one, Rick!
The Pope has come to Washington to consult with President Bush. Since it's a rather nice day, they decide to speak on the President's yacht. As they sail down the Potomac, a gust of wind blows by, and the Pope's hat is blown into the river. The Swiss Guards and the Secret Service begin arguing amongst themselves about who is to have the honor of retrieving the hat from the Potomac.
This goes on for a few minutes, and the President sees that the Pope is visibly distressed, so he says, "Wait! I'll get it." They stop arguing, and the Pope looks pleased.
President Bush climbs down the side of the boat, reaches the surface of the water, walks across, retrieves the Pope's hat, and walks back. He wipes the water off, walks to the Pope, and hands it over, saying "here's your hat."
The next day, the Washington Post, ABCNews, MSNBC, National Public Radio, the New York Times, Hardball, and Air America all have as their headline "Bush Can't Swim."
Those are great. here's a few:
Leaving Miami for Ft Lauderdale, I decide to stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go into the bathroom. The first stall is taken, so I go into the second stall. I had just sat down when I hear a voice from the other stall............
”Hi there, how is it going?”
Okay, I am not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn’t know what to say, so finally I say:
Then the voice says:
”So, what are you doing?”
I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I say:
”Well, I’m going to Ft Lauderdale..........”
Then I hear the person, all flustered, say:
”Look, I’ll call you back. Every time I ask you a question, this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!!!”
You really have to read this out loud to a friend, and get him going, to make it wrk great:
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. may I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst... Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.
Spielberg strongly desired the box office ‘oomph’ of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.
”Well,” started Stallone, “I’ve always admired Mozart. I would love to play him.”
”Chopin has always been my favorite and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano” said Willis. ‘I’ll play him.”
”I’ve always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes,” said Segall. “I’d like to play him.”
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. “Sounds splendid.” Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, “Who do you want to be, Arnold?”
So Arnold says . . . . . . . .
”I’ll be Bach.”
The Pope has just finished a tour of the Napa Valley and is taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, he asks the chauffeur if he can drive for a while. Since the chauffeur really doesn’t have much of a choice, he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.
The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 MPH, and suddenly he sees the red and blue lights of the highway patrol in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window.
The trooper, seeing who it is, says, ‘Just a moment please, I need to call in.’ The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he’s got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should handle it.
’It’s not Ted Kennedy again is it?’ asks the chief.
’No Sir!’ replies the trooper, ‘This guy’s more important.’
’Is it the Governor?’ asks the chief.
’No! Even more important!’ replies the trooper.
’Is it the PRESIDENT??? asks the chief.
’No! Even more important!’ replies the trooper.
’Well WHO THE HECK is it?’ screams the chief.
’I don’t know Sir.’ replies the trooper, ‘but he’s got the Pope as his chauffeur.’
Hope you liked them.
ooooo i got one i got one, what do you get when you cross a freeway with a bicycle.................. killed. ahhh thats one i heard from a little boy. crazy little kid
Ok Ok I have some competition.
What is the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a windsheild?
It's Ass :D
Sorry to you Blondes but I love this one.
What do you do if an blonde throws you a hand grenade?
Pull the pin and throw it back. :D
Well I have some more but I gotta go to school. I will post them later. Great Thread by the way
Over and Out,
And here's one...
Bush, Jacques Chirac and Vlad Putin are in a plane that gets lost in a thick mist cloud. The mist just doesn't end and the men start thinking where the heck they are. Bush decides to grope and sticks his hand outside.
"I think we're above New York," he says finally. "I think I felt the tip of the torch our Lady Liberty has."
The men can't be sure, and the blind flight continues. Soon Chirac wants to give a shot and puts his hand outside.
"We must be in France... I just touched the peak of Eiffel's Tower."
Still not even a chance to land. Putin decides to try his luck. The Russian President sticks his hand outside and soon draws it back in.
"Comrades! We're certainly in Russia!" he announces.
"How can you tell?" wonders Bush. "Did you slam your hand against the Kremlin or what?"
"No... somebody stole my watch!"
Great ones, guys!!
This is a good one to tell if you want to REALLY gross out your friends. I'm well known for this joke! Here goes:
A guys walks into a bar-- I dunno-- we'll call it the Raven! ;) (Modify this one any way you like). The guy asks Marion for a drink-- then another, and another, and yet another until it's pretty obvious that he's sloshed. He asks Marion for yet another drink.
"No way! You're done, buddy!"
"Aw, c'mon. Just one more."
"Please... please... PLEASE!"
Marion looks in the corner of the room and eyes the spittoon. It hasn't been emptied in a while and it's filled to the brim with spit and chunks of tobacco, among other things. An idea occurs to her.
"Okay. You can have one more drink-- and I'll even let you have it for free. IF you take a sip from the spittoon."
The guy looks at the spittoon and gags. But he's desperate.
"Okay. I'll do it!" He steps over to the spittoon, picks it up, and drinks. And drinks. And DRINKS. Finally, he puts it down, coughs and wipes his mouth on his sleeve. Marion is agast.
"You're disgusting!" She yells, "Why did you drink the whole thing, dammit?! I told you you only had to take a sip."
He looks at her and says:
"I couldn't help it--
It was all ONE STRAND!!!"
:sick: I should lock and delete this one right now. :sick:
based on that last joke
Re: un-moderator note
Don't you dare, Horsey! Or would you like me to knock you out with a crowbar and take you to the glue factory? ;)
I got this one in an email, and I'll have to tone it down to make it family friendly, but I think it's funny. Also, I don't intend to offend anybody at all, as I also take my faith seriously. Like I said, I just think this is funny.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the [crap] out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ***.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say, “ Eat me”.
12)The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the ******,
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at ST. Peter’s not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
If it's still not appropriate, just delete it. I'll have no problem with it, and I'll understand.
15) There was an elderly gentleman sitting in the front row whom you referred as a "faggot in white hood". That was me.
(It's a good one and goes inside my limits, at least. There's a lot of variations of it, as you can see.)
It's up to the mods to decide how appropriate the last couple of jokes were, guys.
There is no thing holy or untouchable enough you couldn't have a little laugh with...
Sorry, Finn, but I don't think "faggot" is an appropriate term for this thread. I know it's PG-13 and I don't agree with homosexuality, but I don't think we should use terms that are derogatory. The worst we should have are dumb blonde jokes.
And please, everyone, no jokes involving race, ethnicity or skin color, okay? Let's be sensitive. Funny, but sensitive.
Okay.. you all probably know this one, but I'll post it anyway;
An American, an Englishman an a Chinaman fall overboard, during a cruise.
After drifting on the ocean for a couple of days they strand on a deserted isle.
The American immediately takes the lead.
He tells the Englishman to take care of the water and tells the Chinaman to take care of the supplies. He himself will collect some wood.
After a while the Englishman and American return to the meeting point.
The American has collected some wood and the Englishman has got the water with him.
But there is no sign of the Chinaman.
They decide to wait some more, but eventually get worried and try to find him.
Their journey takes them into the middle of a jungle where all of a sudden the Chinaman jumps from a tree and shouts; "Supplies!"
How about mother-in-law jokes? Is it okay if I post one of those?
Mother in law jokes-- yes, please! :D
The Highway Patrol were seriously concerned about the safety on the roads lately and they decided to put up a campaign. Plus, every county donated a small monetary prize of 500 dollars to reward a driver whose behavior was a model example to everybody else moving on the hot tarmac.
One day, the officers of one patrol happen to note an automobile that obeyed the speeding limits by-the-book, made way for every vehicle that seemed to be more eager to reach their destination than them and even stopped every time somebody, be it a human being or an animal, was about to cross the road.
The officers finally decided to pull them over, they thought they had found the right address to put their prize into. It got even better when everybody inside the vehicle, the man behind the wheel, his wife beside him and the old grandmother in the back wore seat belts.
"So... just out of curiosity, have you any ideas what are you going to do with the stack?" the smiling officer asked the driver.
The man flashed a smile and replied: "Well, I could finally get a license."
Now the wife besides him barked quickly: "Don't buy him! Always talks whatever he wants while he's drunk!"
The officers were already changing long looks, when the grandmother, her sighting and hearing obviously very bad, remarked: "Is that the police? I told you children, we were not going to get very far in this stolen car!"
LOL! Thank you, SIR! May I have another, SIR!
Three guys were sitting around talking, and one of them asked, "If we were stranded on a deserted island, what one thing would you want with you?"
The first guy thought a moment and said, "A crate of spam. It would never spoil, and we wouldn't go hungry."
The second guy said, "A crate of grape soda, so we wouldn't go thirsty."
The third guy thought for a while and then said, "A car door."
His friends asked, "What would you want a car door for?"
"If it gets hot, we could roll down the window."
I like that one... simple, funny.
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