How about some jokes?

Man gets a job at the zoo. After his first week training the Head Zookeeper says,

"Any questions so far?"

"Well yes," the man replies, "That big white animal over there, I've noticed that some days he seems really happy, playing round his enclosure, performing for the crowds. Yet on other days he just sits there, hardly moving, looking really sad. What's that about?"

"Oh,him?" says the Zookeeper, "He's a bi-polar bear."

Down on his luck, a man approaches a lady of the night and asks...

"What can I get for a fiver?"

"Ooh, not much..." She replies

"Can I not persuade you?" he begs, " I haven`t had any...companionship... for months, I can only afford five quid. I`ll be quick, I promise."

Eventually she takes pity on him. "Come on then," she says, takes his fiver, and takes him down a discreet alley.

Afterwards, as he`s pulling up his pants, he says...
"Sorry about that, if I`d known you were a virgin I`d have given you an extra pound."

"Ah, you`re kidding!" she exclaims, " If I`d known you had an extra pound I would`ve taken me tights off!"