Location: At the front row of Indy's class at Barnett College - a girl can dream! (currently in the UK and planning to live in the United States of America this year!!!)
Posts: 2,157
Quote:
Originally Posted by indyjones2131
What'd you think of Tower of Knowledge?
I think it's Fantastic!
I was curious who the mysterious gentleman was, and was surprised when I found out and was completely gripped by your writing. There really is some great stuff here, and you are an excellent writer
Location: At the front row of Indy's class at Barnett College - a girl can dream! (currently in the UK and planning to live in the United States of America this year!!!)
Posts: 2,157
Gilles, are the winners members of this messageboard?
Location: At the front row of Indy's class at Barnett College - a girl can dream! (currently in the UK and planning to live in the United States of America this year!!!)
Posts: 2,157
Sorry for the multiple postings.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pale Horse
Deadlock is a grand storyteller, as are you Canyon.
Location: At the front row of Indy's class at Barnett College - a girl can dream! (currently in the UK and planning to live in the United States of America this year!!!)
Posts: 2,157
Me again.
Deadlock, my dear, I've just noticed a few things that you mentioned.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deadlock
* I'll defer to any whip experts, but I don't think there's enough room to crack a 10 foot long bullwhip in the back of a covered truck.
* Indy's dialogue with Maria: "Sugar", "Sweetheart" I don't really think that this is "Indyish", sounds more like Han Solo. )
* Not really a criticism, but Indy sure has a lot of nice things to say about England! I suppose the fact that the author is from England is a COMPLETE coincidence...
* Indy does not crack his whip in the truck, but rather on the top of it. As Indy returned the knife to his pocket, he saw that there were two men seated either side of Maria and Indy reached down and grabbed male passenger and pulled him up out of his seat. The man was startled and tried to wriggle free from Indy’s grasp. He began to pull himself up and then threw a punch at Indy, but the archaeologist’s reflexes were fast and he quickly ducked out of the way. The man drew a gun from his pocket and almost at once Indy’s bullwhip was in his hand.
The end of the whip caught the gun and Indy quickly jerked the whip, flinging the weapon away. The man was startled and Indy took advantage of this and hit him in the stomach.
* FYI, Indy says the word 'sweethert' three times in Temple of Doom:
"They aren't birds, sweetheart. They're giant vampire bats."
"That's why they call it the jungle, sweetheart."
"Sweetheart, after all the fun we've had."
*If you read the books, Indy has spent a lot of time in England and I didn't just set it in the UK because I live there.
I'm not getting at you. I just hope that this post clarafies a few things.
* Indy does not crack his whip in the truck, but rather on the top of it.
My bad. However, I still have misgivings about that action scene... Number one, I don't think he'd be steady enough to stand on the back of a truck while it's in motion down a narrow road. For the sake of argument, let's pretend that he can. Is there room on the top of the truck for TWO men to stand there? And if there was, is there enough distance between them for Indy to use his bullwhip? If they were on top of a train boxcar, I'd say yes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Canyon
* FYI, Indy says the word 'sweethert' three times in Temple of Doom:
"They aren't birds, sweetheart. They're giant vampire bats."
"That's why they call it the jungle, sweetheart."
"Sweetheart, after all the fun we've had."
True, true, true. I'm not the biggest Temple fan, so that may be part of it. However, I would also say that there is a difference between his relationship with Willie and with Maria. With Willie there was a lot of banter and sarcasm... I just got a different vibe about Maria.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Canyon
*If you read the books, Indy has spent a lot of time in England and I didn't just set it in the UK because I live there.
I haven't read the books actually. But I have zero beef with the UK. I hope to visit there someday (especially the castles in Wales). I'm merely concerned about how many times England gets mentioned in the 10 pages of your story...
Quote:
“So Indy, what do you think of the English?”
Indy smiled “They’re great”, he said. “Everyone’s real friendly and…”
“Yes?”
“Well, the women are especially friendly”, he began.
Maria smiled.
“And very beautiful.”
Quote:
“I’m originally from Bristol and I’ve visited Avebury a few times. It’s a very interesting place, isn’t it?”
Indy thought back to his recent experience and nodded. “Yes it is.”
Quote:
“I understand that you’ve just gotten back from England. How was it?”
“It was interesting. It’s a lovely country. “
Quote:
“That’s fine. So you had an interesting time in England it would seem.”
“Yeah, and it was great to see Maria again.”
Oh yeah, one thing I didn't catch earlier... At the top of page one it says "Epilogue." Shouldn't that be "Prologue"?
Now this is the kind of feedback I was talking about.
I wish Gilles would have gotten back to me on Tower of Knowledge - writing to meant to be read and discussed: Good, bad and ugly. We are all novices to some degree and contructive (or otherwise) criticism is part of that.
Feel free to offer suggestions to me on Tower of Knowledge. Who knows, I might even listen
Location: At the front row of Indy's class at Barnett College - a girl can dream! (currently in the UK and planning to live in the United States of America this year!!!)
Posts: 2,157
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deadlock
Oh yeah, one thing I didn't catch earlier... At the top of page one it says "Epilogue." Shouldn't that be "Prologue"?
The thing is, Gilles originally didn't get my entry the first time and he only found out that was entering because of my posts on the other thread. I then had to rush to get this in on time, hence the incorrect wording at the beginning.
I'm all for comments about my story, and I understand where you're coming from, but perhaps it was a bad idea for me to enter this contest at this time.
Gilles, are the winners members of this messageboard?
-
"One of them, at least, is now!"
Hi, everyone, just wanted to introduce myself as a new member on the forum - I was interested as to the feedback aspect of the Fan Fiction entries that's going on here on The Raven - writing is my hobby at the moment but I'd really love it to become a profession one day.
Anyone read my story The Quest of The White Knight? I'd appreciate any thoughts, crits, questions about it - I'm a big fan of everything Indy and tried to refer to lots of the literature out there in my story - can anyone guess the two time periods the story was set in?
I believe I get 4 Indy books - which is good cos I haven't read those particular four...! (just trying out the smilies!)
I had a lot of fun writing my story - it provided an excuse to re-read the Indy comics and rewind the Indy videos - and weave an interconnecting story with what's already out there...
If anyone can't guess the two time periods my story is set in, I'll update you in a new post here soon...
Anyone read my story The Quest of The White Knight? I'd appreciate any thoughts, crits, questions about it - I'm a big fan of everything Indy and tried to refer to lots of the literature out there in my story - can anyone guess the two time periods the story was set in?
Welcome to you BrodyisDead... (Always nice to see another "Dead" member... )
I read your work and let me say that is the prize winner that I liked best.
I really felt like you developed existing characters in the Indy universe in an interesting way. I also liked how you brought back Marion and Marcus' private quest to find the Ark. The top two entries were well-written enough, but there's wasn't much in the way of character development or truly "outside the box" ideas for the Indy universe. I felt the were too safe and conventional.
(I might also note that your work could ALMOST lead into a larger work, like say... REALM OF THE DEAD. )
The adventure continues...
(just trying out the smilies!)
)
