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Old 08-26-2004, 01:37 PM   #26
Finn
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A man stood by the road beside an old -72 Taunus that had its hood open and smoke coming up. Luckily, along the road approached another car, a BMW with lot of spare horses under its hull. The car pulled over and the driver offered some help. The owner of the Taunus said he would be happy for a tow to the nearest station.

The men agreed on singals, the Taunus man would turn his left blinker on if the BMW was going too fast. And so they went.

Suddenly, a Ferrari zooms past the pair, and honks it horn as it goes, an obvious call to a speeding contest. The BMW driver's guts get more gear to them and he floors the pedal... and there they go.

Few miles later, there's a patrol car hiding behind the usual road ad sign. They note the racers, turn on the siren and speed after.

The officer on the side seat starts calling the central:
"Sixty-seven on hot pursuit... we have a red Ferrari, way past the limit... a green BMW, perhaps going even faster... and... and... Jesus H. Christ! That's a ****bag old Taunus, matching speed with the Bemmie, it's got its blinker on and trying to pull to the side!"
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Old 08-26-2004, 01:46 PM   #27
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Quote:
Originally posted by IndyMcFly
lol

I like that one... simple, funny.

In Christ,
Shane


Here's a another simple classic... I will always remember it because when one of my computer science professors asked if anybody had any questions before we began the final exam, somebody raised their hand and told this joke...


There were these two muffins in an oven...

The first muffin turns to the other and says "Man, it is HOT in here."

And the other muffin says, "AAAAAAAH!!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"


I love that joke.
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Old 08-26-2004, 01:49 PM   #28
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A man walks into a sports bar carrying his pet Beagle under his arm. The Beagle is wearing a NY Mets Hat, Jersey, and holding a pennant in his paws.

The bartender tells the man that he can't bring his pet into the bar.

"But he is the biggest Mets fan ever," the man explains. "He never misses a game. I promise he will behave and won't disturb the other patrons.

The bartender gave in and let the man and his dog take a seat at the bar.

At the top of the 3rd inning, Mike Piazza hits a grand slam home run. The dog gets up from his seat and starts running around the bar, high fiving all the patrons and does a little victory dance. THe bartender is amazed and says to the man, "Wow! I've never seen a dog do anything like that in all my life. If he gets that excited when one of the Mets hits a home run, what happens when they win a game?"

"I don't know," the man replies, "I've only had him for 10 years."
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Old 08-26-2004, 01:54 PM   #29
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Quote:
Originally posted by Finn
A man stood by the road beside an old -72 Taunus that had its hood open and smoke coming up.


Don't you mean "Taurus," or is a Taunus a funky Finnish car?
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Old 08-26-2004, 01:59 PM   #30
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This guy goes to a pet store to buy a parrot. After looking around, he sees one that he really likes and he buys it. He takes the bird home, and immediately the parrot starts cursing up a storm. He's like the Eminem of parrots. Just the most vile, disturbingly vulgar tirads pour out of his beak.

These bursts of obscenities go on for a couple of days until the man has had enough. After repeated requests to curb his language, the man snaps and throws the parrot into the freezer.

Now, the bird starts screaming, and yelling and cursing louder than ever, until finally it stops and there is just dead silence from the freezer.

The man starts to feel bad, now, thinking that he killed the bird. So he opens the door to the freezer, and the parrot steps out saying, "I see now that my previous behavior both shocked and offended you. I shall endeavor in the future to curb my language and refrain from such obscene talk and I apologize for my vulgar mouth."

Before the man can respond, the bird continues, "By the way, may I ask what the chicken did?"

Last edited by Luckylighter : 08-26-2004 at 02:03 PM.
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Old 08-26-2004, 02:47 PM   #31
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Quote:
Originally posted by Indyologist
Don't you mean "Taurus," or is a Taunus a funky Finnish car?
That's an old German car model, not exactly famous for its speed or relibiality...
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Old 08-26-2004, 02:50 PM   #32
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Seeing that they're allowed, here are some blond jokes...

How do you drown a blond?
-Put a scratch-and-sniff button on the bottom of the pool.

A blond and a brunette go skydiving. They jump out of the airplane at the same time. Who lands first?
-The brunette, because the blond had to stop and ask for directions.
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Old 08-26-2004, 03:34 PM   #33
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Tee hee hee -- snort-- tee hee!
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Old 08-26-2004, 04:05 PM   #34
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A blonde is on a drive down in Kansas and she turns on the radio, where a comedian is amusing the listeners by telling - surprise surprise - blonde jokes.

The blonde listens too as she drives on... and mile after mile, she gets more and more furious. Then, finally, she notes that in the middle of a roadside hay field, there sits another blonde - in a Zodiac boat.

The blonde stops with tyres screeching, jumps out of the car and hollers out to the field: "There! That's exactly why people think we blondes are so dumb! Can't you damn idiot wear a floating vest?!"
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Old 08-26-2004, 05:03 PM   #35
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Quote:
Originally posted by Finn
A blonde is on a drive down in Kansas and she turns on the radio, where a comedian is amusing the listeners by telling - surprise surprise - blonde jokes.

The blonde listens too as she drives on... and mile after mile, she gets more and more furious. Then, finally, she notes that in the middle of a roadside hay field, there sits another blonde - in a Zodiac boat.

The blonde stops with tyres screeching, jumps out of the car and hollers out to the field: "There! That's exactly why people think we blondes are so dumb! Can't you damn idiot wear a floating vest?!"


I would just like to say that I am not originally from Kansas, I am from Texas. Finn just dissed Kansas so bad I am embarrassed to say I am even close to Kansas. Nice Joke, don't worry my and my Mom and Dad are always dissin Kansas. Seriously.

Over and Out,
Kris "Indy_Jones88"
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Old 08-26-2004, 05:37 PM   #36
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Three men walk into a bar. Which is kinda silly because the third one should have seen the first two do it.

I got more, but I'll add to this list later.
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Old 08-26-2004, 06:09 PM   #37
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here are a few I hope you like.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This one might be a little on the line of PG-13, if it is to bad you have my permission to delete it Mods. I don't think it is any worse than the post by Shane. It is hilarious though.

One day a Wife and Mother of 2 was cooking dinner for her family. She was making Mashed potatoes when she accidentally spilt some bb's into them. Not wanting to start over she decided to leave the bb's in the potatoes.
So her family comes home and they sit down to eat. Everyone eats and compliments the mother on a job well done other than the potatoes were a little strange.
So a little while later while the mother was washing the dishes, her husband comes running to her and says "Wife, Wife I was in the bathroom when i pee'd a bb." The wife replied "It's ok, you will be fine"
So a little while later the daughter comes running to her mom "Mommy, Mommy i just pp'd a bb." Mom says "It's ok, you will be fine"
So a little while later the son comes running in and the mom says "wait let me guess, you pee'd a bb." The kid said "No, I was playin with myself and accidentally shot a bb and killed the cat"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde, a burnette, and a redhead escape from jail. The police are chasing them when the 3 convicts come upon 3 potatoe sacks. They decide to hide in them and when the police come, to make an animal noise.
So the police come up the the 1st bag containing the burnette and poke it. Bark Bark they hear and they go to the next one believing it was a dog. At the second one containing the red head they poke it and hear "Meow Meow". Believing it was a cat they go to the third bag containing the blonde. The police here a very strange sound from this bag. "POTATOE POTATOE"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is black and white and red all over.

A newspaper DUH!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2 men walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Person 1 Knock Knock

Person 2 Who's there

Person 1 Interupting Cow

Person 2 Interupting......(Person 1) MOOOOOO!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry if the one is a bad. i found it hilarious.

Over and Out,
Kris"Indy_Jones88"
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Old 08-26-2004, 07:25 PM   #38
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Note for mods

Mods, I understand if you have to delete my previous post due to the family friendly policy. I did try to word it as carefully as possible. My intention was to share a joke, not to offend anyone. Sorry if I have offended anyone by the above post.

Over and Out,
Kris "Indy_Jones88"
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Old 08-26-2004, 07:56 PM   #39
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I've got two PG rated jokes... both blond jokes.

1. A blond woman walks into an pawn shop and is looking around. She finds something she wants and goes to talk to the owner, saying, "How much do you want for that TV over there?" The owner tells her that he refuses service to blondes, and, outraged, she leaves the store. Hours later she returns, wearing a black wig. She looks around, and goes over to the owner, saying, "Hi. How much are you asking for that TV right there?" The man smiles and repeats his previous comment, he refuses service to blondes. This process happens one more time, with the blonde wearing a brunette wig. After the owner's comment she pulls off the wig and says, "How did you know I was a blond?" Looking at her, the owner says, "Lady... that's not a TV. It's a microwave."

2. A man and his blond girlfriend are riding in a convertible accross a large suspension bridge. The top is down, and the wind is flowing through their hair - they're having a great time. Suddenly, the cars in front of the convertible crash, and the man swerves to avoid hitting them, but loses control and flies off the bridge, landing in the water below. The man swims to the surface, waiting for his girlfriend. 10 minutes go by, and the woman is still not up. Finally, she surfaces, out of breath and blue in the face. Concerned, her boyfriend asks, "What took you so long?" The blond replies, "The door was jammed!"


In Christ,
Shane
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Old 08-26-2004, 07:58 PM   #40
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A man was drunk and had been at a pub all night. when the bar closed he stood up but immediatley fell down. he tried again and fell down once more.

He crawled to the door to get some fresh air and tried to stand up again but to no avail. So he started crawling down the road.

He cralwed to his house and into his room, then pulled himself into bed and fell fast alseep.

the next mrning he awoke to his wife's voice screaming "so you've been drinking again!?"

the man said "of course not why would you say that?"

to which his wife replied "the pub called you forgot your wheelchair again."
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Old 08-27-2004, 06:01 AM   #41
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Rapid Fire Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a ***** and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a ***** sleeps with everyone except you.

Q: What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
A: Nothing, you've told her twice already!

Q: What do you call a man that doesn't use contraceptives?
A: Daddy.

Q. What is the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: They are easier to amuse.

Q: What do you say to a woman with small breasts?
A: Nothing.
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Old 08-27-2004, 09:10 AM   #42
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Hmmm. I dunno about some of these jokes, guys. A little questionable. Let's be good or the mods are going to say, "don't make me come in there!"
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Old 08-27-2004, 09:17 AM   #43
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What do you do when your mother-in-law keeps knocking on the window?




You raise the oven temperature.
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Old 08-27-2004, 11:38 AM   #44
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What do you do when you see your mother-in-law crawling around your back yard, bleeding and wounded?

- Stop laughing and pull the trigger again.

I don't know what Horsie is talking about in the post below, but I swear it has nothing to do with me...

Last edited by Finn : 08-27-2004 at 12:16 PM.
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Old 08-27-2004, 11:56 AM   #45
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Exclamation Moderator Note

We are digressing fast, clean it up or it will be shut down. Family friendly and PG will keep this open.
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Old 08-27-2004, 12:04 PM   #46
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Re: Moderator Note

Quote:
Originally posted by Pale Horse
We are digressing fast, clean it up or it will be shut down. Family friendly and PG will keep this open.


SEE!? I told you guys! Now play nice, k?

Last edited by Indyologist : 08-27-2004 at 01:58 PM.
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Old 08-27-2004, 01:46 PM   #47
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a wealthy lawyer was driving around in his limo when he saw some people in ragged clothing eating grass.

He pulled over and asked them why they were doing this and they said they had no money and no food.

"get in and come to my house" the man said. "but sir I have a wife and 6 kids" "they can come too" the lawyer said. He turned to the other man eating grass and said he could come too." the man said he had 12 children but the lawyer invited them all into the limo.

once inside and driving one of the por men said "its so kind of you to do this sir" and the lawyer said "no problem...you'll love it at my place...the grass is almost a foot long"
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Old 08-27-2004, 01:58 PM   #48
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Omigosh-- good one, Main Man! I work for a company that services a law firm...
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Old 08-27-2004, 02:14 PM   #49
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The Best Blonde Joke?

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red
sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde's driving license. She dug through her handbag and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied "It's square and it has your picture on it".
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed
it to the policewoman. "Here it is", she said. The blonde policewoman looked at the mirror, then handed it back and said,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop".
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Old 08-27-2004, 02:43 PM   #50
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Question: What is this thing I'm thinking about now?
Clues: Arnold Schwartzenegger has a long one. George W. Bush has a short one. The Pope doesn't have it at all. What is it?

Pick your guesses, answer to come...

---

And because I've told so many American-oriented jokes, I guess it's better to laugh at the Euros for change... so:

A bunch of five friends are on a road trip through Europe using an Audi Quattro. They arrive to the Italian border. The border guard shows up, makes a quick check on the car and then leans against the front door to talk to the driver.
"I am sorry, signore... but one of you must continue on foot from here."
"Huh? Why is that?" asks the driver.
"You see, this is an Audi Quattro. Quattro means four. There're five of you inside."
"What? Listen, the model of the car has nothing to do with..."
"Quattro. Four. One of you must step out."
"Have you been dropped onto your head as a baby? I demand to talk to your superior officer!"
The guard looks over this shoulder and says: "He will arrive shortly. As soon as he's done with those two guys in Fiat Uno."
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