A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the Irishman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."
WARNING...beer contains female hormones
This is serious stuff...Beer contains female hormones! Last month, the National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary. Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer! And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh! If you think they can handle it.
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around
the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What does that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a
walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline,
and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time
around the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so
another dog is pushing her home."
One day, a Spanish warship was sailing on the ocean. It was a time of war, and the waters were dangerous.
Suddenly, a crewmember walks up to the captain, and yells, "Captain, Captain!"
"Hmmm?" he replies.
"Captain, there's an enemy ship off of the port bow!"
"Bring me my red shirt," declared the captain quizzically.
The crewmember was confused, but did as he was told. After the battle was over, they were victorious, and no members had been lost, or even injured. Later that week, the crewmember could no longer contain his curiosity, and asked, "Captain, the other day before the battle, why did you ask me to bring you your red shirt?"
"Ahh," said the captain. "just in case I got shot during the battle, I wanted my crew to continue fighting valiantly, so I asked you to bring me the red shirt to cover up the color of any blood."
The crewmember was honored to have such a brave, noble captain as his leader.
A few weeks passed without an attack, and finally the ship met another enemy.
"Captain, Captain!!" exclaimed the crewmember.
"Hmmm?" replied the captain yet again.
"Captain, there are fifteen enemy ships off to starboard!!!"
The captain's reply?
"Bring me my brown pants."
Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their
Favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You
Know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.
Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up
For some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of
Admissions who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math,
English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The Dean says, "I'll show you by way of example. Do you own a
Weed-eater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed-eater, I think
That you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
The Dean says, "And because you have a yard, I think, logically,
That you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically
Have a family."
"Yes, I have a family."
"And because you have a family, then logically you must have
A wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be
A heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual... That's amazing, you were able to find
Out all of that because I have a weed-eater."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and
Leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes,
And how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Bob asks, "What's that?"
Jim says, "I'll show you.
Do you have a weed-eater?"
"No."
"Then you're a queer."
First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
A man went to a barber for a trim and a shave. While the barber was
lathering the man up for his shave, the man told the barber that he always has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.
The barber pulled a small wooden ball out of his cabinet drawer, He said "Place this ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and I can give you a close shave. The man did this, and the barber shaved the right side of his face.
Wow exclaimed the man, "THAT'S GREAT" He put the ball in the left side of his mouth, and in anticipation of the barbers next move, and with muffled voice asked, "But what happens if I accidentally swallow the ball?" The barber said "Just bring it back tomorrow, that's what most guys do."
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.
As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's fat!"
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"
The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.
Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep.
The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!"
A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What the heck am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, then examined it and the car. "It's been a long day and it's the end of my shift," he said. "I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thought for a second and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the Irishman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."
WARNING...beer contains female hormones
This is serious stuff...Beer contains female hormones! Last month, the National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary. Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer! And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh! If you think they can handle it.
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around
the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What does that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a
walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline,
and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time
around the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so
another dog is pushing her home."
One day, a Spanish warship was sailing on the ocean. It was a time of war, and the waters were dangerous.
Suddenly, a crewmember walks up to the captain, and yells, "Captain, Captain!"
"Hmmm?" he replies.
"Captain, there's an enemy ship off of the port bow!"
"Bring me my red shirt," declared the captain quizzically.
The crewmember was confused, but did as he was told. After the battle was over, they were victorious, and no members had been lost, or even injured. Later that week, the crewmember could no longer contain his curiosity, and asked, "Captain, the other day before the battle, why did you ask me to bring you your red shirt?"
"Ahh," said the captain. "just in case I got shot during the battle, I wanted my crew to continue fighting valiantly, so I asked you to bring me the red shirt to cover up the color of any blood."
The crewmember was honored to have such a brave, noble captain as his leader.
A few weeks passed without an attack, and finally the ship met another enemy.
"Captain, Captain!!" exclaimed the crewmember.
"Hmmm?" replied the captain yet again.
"Captain, there are fifteen enemy ships off to starboard!!!"
The captain's reply?
"Bring me my brown pants."
Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their
Favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You
Know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.
Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up
For some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of
Admissions who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math,
English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The Dean says, "I'll show you by way of example. Do you own a
Weed-eater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed-eater, I think
That you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
The Dean says, "And because you have a yard, I think, logically,
That you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically
Have a family."
"Yes, I have a family."
"And because you have a family, then logically you must have
A wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be
A heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual... That's amazing, you were able to find
Out all of that because I have a weed-eater."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and
Leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes,
And how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Bob asks, "What's that?"
Jim says, "I'll show you.
Do you have a weed-eater?"
"No."
"Then you're a queer."
First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
A man went to a barber for a trim and a shave. While the barber was
lathering the man up for his shave, the man told the barber that he always has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.
The barber pulled a small wooden ball out of his cabinet drawer, He said "Place this ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and I can give you a close shave. The man did this, and the barber shaved the right side of his face.
Wow exclaimed the man, "THAT'S GREAT" He put the ball in the left side of his mouth, and in anticipation of the barbers next move, and with muffled voice asked, "But what happens if I accidentally swallow the ball?" The barber said "Just bring it back tomorrow, that's what most guys do."
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.
As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's fat!"
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"
The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.
Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep.
The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!"
A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What the heck am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, then examined it and the car. "It's been a long day and it's the end of my shift," he said. "I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thought for a second and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
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