Did I screw up badly?

Nurhachi1991

Well-known member
I have been going out with this amazing girl for almost 2 months now and things have been going great until now. She was telling me about new friends she was making and I was happy for her but than she said she made a new guy friend and I was kinda uneasy about it ( I don't know why I guess I'm just an idiot) and she assured me they were just friends and that they were both taken anyway so theres nothing to worry about. Than she mentioned that they might exchange phone numbers and I dunno something just hit me I got really jealous and said a few things I shouldnt have (none of them were bad I just kind of had a short temper) But I'm under alot of stress right now I have been trying to find work all summer and I can't get hired. Anyways I have tried for the past 30 mins apologising to her but she wont talk to me and now I feel like a complete loser :( I'm really in love with this girl and don't want her to be mad at me over something like this but it's really eating at me right now
 

AlivePoet

New member
If she's exchanging numbers with this fellow and telling you, it seems that
a) she's trying to make you jealous or
b) she's unsure about the relationship you're both in right now, and is dismayed by your temper because she thinks you're being possessive.

Or a possible c) she is oblivious to everything she's telling you and didn't anticipate that kind of reaction, but I kinda doubt it.

Better law low for the night. Sleep can mend the spirit on both ends. :)
 

Nurhachi1991

Well-known member
Thats good advice poet. I'm just a very jealous person I always have been and I know thats not good but I dunno I have done all I can to apologise to her.


And I know the other person would just be a friend and I trust her 100 percent it's just I don't like the idea of some one else messaging/calling my girlfriend




I dunno I'm just a moron I guess
 

QBComics

Active member
She could just want him to be her friend. No biggie. If you start to get suspicious, then just talk to her.

As for your current situation, I'd get her something to sweeten her up, then apologize, but that's just me.
 

AlivePoet

New member
Nurhachi1991 said:
Thats good advice poet. I'm just a very jealous person I always have been and I know thats not good but I dunno I have done all I can to apologise to her.


And I know the other person would just be a friend and I trust her 100 percent it's just I don't like the idea of some one else messaging/calling my girlfriend




I dunno I'm just a moron I guess

Nah, you're just like every other nice guy who reacts when he snags the girl of his dreams and is afraid of losing her. Relax, most of us guys on this forum have likely been there.

I certainly have... but with each experience I get a little "meaner." Why, I'm so "mean" now one might even call me a "casual dater."
 

Nurhachi1991

Well-known member
I know it would just be a friend situation and like I said I love and trust her 100 percent.




And I know it's impossible to not have any guy friends it's just I dunno I have seen this sort of thing happen to people I know and it went bad for them.



I'm just to paranoid I guess
 

indyclone25

Well-known member
listen kid when you have been married for 24yrs like i have you learn a few things ,
1. women will always want guy friends you just have to be man enough to let them have their male friends and you can have your female friends
2. don't act jealous even when you are jealous it only makes matters worse
3. always be the one to apologize first , even if it isnt your fault
4. always have the guys night out ---never forget your buds
and that should be all you need for a boyfriend /girlfriend relationship
when you get married there are a whole set of different rules (y)
 

Attila the Professor

Moderator
Staff member
AlivePoet said:
I certainly have... but with each experience I get a little "meaner." Why, I'm so "mean" now one might even call me a "casual dater."

Yeah, don't you hate that process? The way we become such cold bastards over time...
 

Violet

Moderator Emeritus
The guys have pretty much hit the nail on the head, Nurhachi. I understand how you feel and have felt that way about female friends to previous boyfriends and have had boyfriends that react the same way you did about guy friends.

Your reaction was natural. It's nothing to be ashamed about, though you probably are feeling guilty about the things you said because you know you don't really mean it, and that's fine. She'll come round eventually just give her a wee bit of time to let her cool down and try to talk about it calmly.
 

AlivePoet

New member
Attila the Professor said:
Yeah, don't you hate that process? The way we become such cold bastards over time...

And when that coldness, by chance, is combated by the warmth of a kind dame's heart, there'll be severe thermal shock in store for the frostbitten blokes. All the more reason to spite...
 

monkey

Guest
OK, I'm going to go against the grain here, and tell you to watch out. Your girl seems to be interested in a different guy.

I've been married for 25 years.

If she persists in being interested in this different guy, then you probably should look elsewhere for female companionship.

Harsh, but true.

Sorry.

All this nonsense about "Friends" is just that...., Nonsense.

If you need a "Guys night out" or a "Girls night out", then I don't know.

Me and my wife like best our "husband and wife's night out".

My advice: There are MILLIONS of women in this world. If this one is causing you to stress, then look for another one; look for one who you brings you happiness, and who you can bring happiness to.

Just my philosophy.
 

AlivePoet

New member
monkey said:
All this nonsense about "Friends" is just that...., Nonsense.

If you need a "Guys night out" or a "Girls night out", then I don't know.

Me and my wife like best our "husband and wife's night out".

Remember, each to his or her own. Some folks enjoy spending time with members of the same sex, and it's healthy to take a break from your significant other. Also, just because your personal experience tells you that being friends with individuals of the opposite sex is "nonsense" doesn't mean that it is universally true, or applicable. I happen to have several friends of the opposite sex who are very fun to be around.


monkey said:
My advice: There are MILLIONS of women in this world. If this one is causing you to stress, then look for another one; look for one who you brings you happiness, and who you can bring happiness to.

Just my philosophy.

So as soon as there's slight bickering or tension causing stress, it's time to pack up and move on? Would you quit your job the first time your employer gave you a reprimand? Relationships take work, and being the man in the relationship requires both knowing when to let things go and when they need to be worked out. If you've been married for 25 years, you know that. So why are you giving contradictory advice to your own experience? Because I'm not going to buy that you've never had any stress in your own relationship.
 

UIMJ

New member
Don't be naive. She's cheating on you and is slowly weening herself over to the new guy. Just walk away.

It's hard to see at the moment because of the emotions, but there are other girls out there to befriend - especially when you are young (aren't you like 13 or something, Nurhachi?).
 

Nurhachi1991

Well-known member
UIMJ said:
Don't be naive. She's cheating on you and is slowly weening herself over to the new guy. Just walk away.

It's hard to see at the moment because of the emotions, but there are other girls out there to befriend - especially when you are young (aren't you like 13 or something, Nurhachi?).


Lets see I was born in 1991 yeah that puts me at about 13
 
Face it Flounder you fuct up...

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/uepFO4psgKE&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/uepFO4psgKE&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>
 

UIMJ

New member
Nurhachi1991 said:
Lets see I was born in 1991 yeah that puts me at about 13


LOL! Sorry man, I just sort of assumed based on some of the convos I'd seen on the forums here...

In any event, I hope that it all worked out for ya. :gun:
 
...look at it this way, you could be rich, have looks or be related to a movie star..

Read on my young friend...


Forget about finding the man of your dreams, being whisked off your feet and marrying in a whirlwind of love. Martina Devlin looks at the research of two American women, who are all for using your looks to bag a wealthy husband

I'll sum Smart Girls Marry Money up in nine words: shake your moneymaker and score a rich husband, girlfriend.

The authors do not shirk from admitting that such women are gold diggers, but they claim gold diggers are unfairly vilified. Furthermore, they maintain romantic love is no basis for marriage.

It's the kind of advice your mother never gave you, but authors Elizabeth Ford and Dr Daniela Drake wish theirs had. They contend that a woman's key commodities are her face and her figure, but these are depreciating assets. Use them quickly as bait. And if the marriage does not have a happy ending, at least the husband can be filleted in the divorce courts.

It sounds so clinical when reduced to such terms. That's because it is clinical. But their argument is that it makes sense to be practical, because women live longer and earn less than men. (Three times less, on average, in a lifetime because of time out from the workforce for childrearing, plus that old chestnut about equality of opportunity and pay never quite materialising.)

They say statistics show women suffer economically when marriages fail, and that it is easier for men to press the re-boot button and start all over. So they deduce that instead of looking for love, women should prioritise security -- the kind that comes in cash.

But it's not known as cold, hard cash for nothing. And their solution is not for everyone. It's one thing reminding us that people don't always stay in love; divorce statistics bear this out. But I can't help suspecting it's a leap too far to suggest we bypass romance altogether and make a beeline for wallet economics.

This objectifies men for their earning potential as callously as a Bunny Girl is objectified for her pin-up appeal. It amounts to sexism in reverse.

You might even call it another version of prostitution. But the authors say women frittering away their lives on men who don't "step up to the plate" is worse again.

"In today's culture, finances often aren't even discussed between couples before they head up the aisle, because it's considered 'crass'," according to Ford, who is divorced from Harrison Ford's son, a restaurateur.

"Our society and the media -- especially romantic movies -- end a happy story with the image of a bride and groom celebrating 'the big day' and don't look past it. That has created an unrealistic goal of love for many young women, leading to the big wedding. Then, because other concerns are put on the back burner, many of these beautiful weddings lead to marriages that ultimately end in costly (financial and emotional) divorce.

"We need to look beyond the altar to the economic partnership that your marriage ultimately becomes," chips in Drake. "Many people believe there is nothing better in life than the feeling of romantic love and the idea of a soulmate. We propose that economic security is a better indicator of success in a marriage." She says that most people decided to marry "in a state of madness", otherwise known as romantic love.

The authors, who both describe themselves as feminists, accept that their hypothesis might be considered outrageous. But they want to spark discussion and remind women how marriage amounts to more than just a rosy dream. "It's real life, and real life requires economic means. We wanted to draw career women and stay-at-home women into a discussion," says Ford.

I'm suddenly distracted by the realisation she took her husband's name in marriage, (and kept it in divorce). I'm not convinced you can be a feminist and do that -- even if it brackets you with a film star. Surely there's something about it in the 'goods and chattels' section of the sisterhood handbook?
Becoming commodities

The authors do make a number of valid points. Even the most dewy-eyed young couple recognises that 'till death us do part' is not necessarily the case any more. But the kind of insurance policy against unhappy marriages they are promoting smacks of something deeply unpleasant. It is turning men, especially high-earners, into commodities. And wasn't feminism partly about trying to stop the equivalent commodification for women?

Sex is currency, however we might wish this was not the case. The book points to a study by anthropologist David Buss, which interviewed 10,000 individuals from 37 cultures and found that men consistently placed a high value on looks and youth in women.

Another worthwhile point the authors raise is that women have discovered getting it all costs more than having it all. It means juggling and compromising. It means expressing milk for your new baby before rushing out to work. It means feeling guilty, conflicted and, most of all, permanently tired.

But it is odd to hear the authors celebrate half-naked celebrity tarts as modern-day feminists (I'm thinking of you, Jordan.) The fact that these women are complicit in the cartoon stereotyping doesn't empower them -- it makes them willing sex toys.

Turn yourself into an object: put a price on your assets and make sure it's a high price, is the crux of what the authors recommend.
And I agree, women should set a high price on themselves. They ought to be selective about their partners; they should only accept one who'll treat them with respect and kindness. That carries more weight than expensive presents.

Granted, there have always been women who set out to bag a wealthy fellow, and I guess that will always be the case. Though I'd hate it to be the norm. In promoting such an agenda, the authors misrepresent greed as feminism -- as exercising choices, as being pro-active, as being a "smart girl" -- as anything, in fact, but what it is. "It's not about greed, it's about not being pulled under by the myth that 'love conquers all'," Ford argues.

I can't help thinking that the gold-digger solution pushes us into gender-specific roles when we're meant to be liberated from them. But Drake insists: "If work was fair and women could actually rise like men, then this discussion would not be necessary. Since it will take an eternity for the workplace to change, then we see this as a fine temporary solution."

Hard luck on the poor guy who's turned into a cash cow, though.

Yet the book does fulfil a function in making us consider whether our obsession with finding a lifelong soulmate is realistic. It is, after all, a relatively modern concept. Women spend a disproportionate amount of time reading self-help books and articles entitled 'How To Meet Mr Right', or 'How To Turn Mr Nearly Into Mr Right'. We all want the perfect relationship. We feel entitled to it.

And perfection for some means luxury. I knew a girl who married a multi-millionaire for his money, had a honeymoon baby to seal the deal and lives in a gilded cage. The presents were fabulous and the envy of her friends. (The authors say never trust a man who tells you he loves you but doesn't buy gifts.) But as the years pass, this girl is growing less contented and it shows on her face. Even with regular house calls from Dr Botox.

You could argue, of course, that she might be just as unhappy in a relationship where money was in short supply. And if a divorce happens, at least she won't be forced to take a minimum rate job. If that's your take, then the authors have a convert.

But I say making purely selfish decisions in life has a corrosive effect on a person.

Personally I like to earn my own money. As feminist Gloria Steinem puts it: "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry."

Smart Girls Marry Money: How Women Have Been Duped into the Romantic Dream -- And How They're Paying For It by Elizabeth Ford and Daniela Drake, MD is published by The Perseus Books Group

- Martina Devlin
 

Violet

Moderator Emeritus
They sound more like ho's than feminists as far as I'm concerned. Security doesn't exist in money either. Security is an illusion. Money can be here today in a boom and then, gone tomorrow in a recession (like so many once big shots are now living in cars and I know such a person). Sorry, but that ain't all that smart. Sure the guy shouldn't be a bum either (by that, no direction and not getting off his weekend to do some kind of job or career with his life), but I wouldn't go to the extreme of multi-millionaire either, coz I value my happiness a lot more than money.

Besides what happens if you got an abusive multi-millionaire? Are you just going to let him bash you so you get access to his cheque book? And what if he cheats on you? You just going to let it ride coz you're using him and he's using you? Using a guy or a girl for money or security without some kind of feeling of love or connection is as far as I'm concerned immoral and materialistic and very selfish. It is not what a marriage should be based on and the marriage will fall apart very easily.
 
Top