Spider-Man was an obnoxiously overrated and camp filled abomination consisting of poorly acted pubescence’s battling it out with the Green Power Ranger (as played by a brilliant actor who’s facial features we’ll annoyingly cover up entirely to mask the fact that this film might actually have a gifted performance). All the while its written with the depth and psychology of a twelve year old wrestling fan that once briefly glanced over a Spider-Man comic in a grocery store. The only shred of dignity stepping from these "Dawson’s Creek meets radioactive superpowers" atrocities would be Doctor Octopus, only vaguely shrouded the abortions taking place during this trilogy. Raimi should be sacked from filmmaking and the Spider-Man franchise abandoned like an unplanned lovechild after the CGI suckfest that was Spider-Man 3.
During opening night of Spider-Man 3...I actually rather liked it. It wasn’t perfect but I was somehow surviving with a mild smile. Then suddenly Peter Parker was strutting around with Emo hair. What…the hell? No one saw that coming! Then Venom came to Sandman and asked for the most dreaded word in comic book film history: a villain team-up! I knew there was no saving the film from that point on.
Once they actually showed an alien in Spalko’s tent, Crystal Skull took a rollercoaster of a dive for me. Then I was (mis)treated to obnoxiously inappropriate scene after scene. Suddenly my eyes are shown things that never should have even been conceived of for an Indiana Jones film. When did I walk out of Indiana Jones and walk into an Ed Wood movie? Tarzan vine swinging with monkey horde, endless rivers of velociraptor-like ants, commie swatting rubber trees, magically living alien inside the ancient merry-go-round, and a huge flipping UFO up and out of the temple! This was Indiana Jones? Pssh! I wanted to vomit on George Lucas’s face. As a matter of fact, I still want to...
Just watching Hayden Christenson act with Natalie Portman made me want to gag. Calling that acting is already being too kind. But as if that wasn’t bad enough, watching Anakin Skywalkers pseudo-transformation from hero to villain play out in a matter of two minutes made me want to pop George Lucas’s fat frog neck. Way to make the greatest screen villain look like the stupidest tool in the galaxy! But we're supposed to sympathize, right? What better way to feel for someone...by making them kill children. I don’t know about you guys, but child murderers really do pull at my heartstrings. That's sarcasm for the few actually oblivious. I think George Lucas avoids depth like the plague. It's sad because it wasn't always so.
When I bought the ticket for Batman and Robin! What was I thinking?
