As The Last Jedi opens, we learn that The First Order has been severely limited by the destruction of their planet weapon, except they haven?t been. The Resistance is eager to escape, except they?re not, as they engage in a prolonged battle which costs them several ships and many recruits. Leia berates Poe for relying too much on blowing things up in his fighter, except she then orders him to blow things up in his fighter. Rey hands Luke his fabled lightsaber in a continuation of that conflicted, soulful cliffhanger from the last movie. Except he now is not soulful and conflicted. He throws the lightsaber away and f@cks off down a hill to milk an alien. NOTE: this alien-milking bit is genuinely funny and freaky and not a valid reason for people across the internet threatening to kill themselves. Rey NEEDS to be trained, except she doesn?t, being the most preternaturally gifted, talented, resourceful Jedi ever. Luke kinda decides to train her a bit, except he doesn?t. We learn that Luke, having sensed the Force Pazuzu within Kylo Ben, considered killing him, except he didn?t. NOTE: this is not contradictory to Luke?s character; true, he redeemed Vader, but remembering how much death, mayhem and misery his father inflicted, it?s reasonable that he would contemplate killing Kylo Ben to spare the galaxy of all that sh!t happening again. This is an intriguing nuance to Luke?s backstory interval whatever narrative and not a valid reason for people across the internet threatening to kill themselves. Kylo Ben then decided to kill Luke, except he didn?t. Rey gets frustrated at all this balls, so decides to leave. Luke decides to burn the blessed Jedi manuals, except he doesn?t. Yoda then decides to burn the blessed Jedi manuals. He burns the blessed Jedi manuals. The manuals are indeed burned now, except they?re not. It?s not explained why Luke would turn off the Force and abandon the Jedi code, but still keep the f@cking manuals around anyway. Kylo decides to kill Leia, except he doesn?t. Anonymous TIE fighter pilots decide to kill her anyway. Leia is dead, except she?s not. There?s a mutiny, except there?s a counter-mutiny. Leia and Ellie Satler had agreed upon a plan five hours earlier, except they didn?t impart this information to their own f@cking team, thus inadvertently causing two mutinies. Rey turns Kylo Ben towards goodness, except she doesn?t. Kylo Ben has momentarily become a relatable character, except he hasn?t. Snoke doesn?t notice a lightsaber being used against him, despite his power and perception. Snoke is incredibly powerful and perceptive, except when he?s not. Captain Phasma reappears, except Snoke and Kylo Ben would know she kinda caused the destruction of their planet weapon and consequently murder her. Snoke and Kylo Ben are incredibly powerful and perceptive, except when they?re not. Phasma is important again, except she?s not and dies, expect maybe she?s not dead and might appear for a minute in the next movie, f@ck knows. Finn and What?s-Her-Face have spent a good twenty-five minutes on a subplot which is vital, except it?s pointless. They didn?t find a hacker, except they found a hacker. They died in prison, except they didn?t. They freed creatures, except they?ll soon be recaptured. The hacker helps, except he doesn?t. The First Order could easily have intimidated or tortured information from the hacker, expect they give him the equivalent of the Powerball and he flies away. Ellie Satler destroys a huge destroyer by light-speed flying herself into it, except nobody ever used this amazingly decisive tactic ever before. The Resistance escapes to a planet in order to survive, except they decide to make a suicide run against AT-AT-on-steroids things. Finn decides to sacrifice himself by flying a knackered speeder into a giant thermo-laser cannon, a bit like Randy Quaid in Independence Day, except What?s-Her-Face stops him. What?s-Her-Face saves Finn because protecting what you love is the key to victory now, except she probably did to experience the legendary black c@ck, except by doing this she left the ENTIRE Resistance vulnerable to destruction. Luke shows up, except he doesn?t. Kylo Ben fires an entire armada?s worth of ammunition on Luke, expecting him to die, except he doesn?t. Kylo Ben doesn?t realise that Luke is just jerking him off at this point, despite being incredibly powerful and perceptive. Kylo Ben is incredibly powerful and perceptive, except when he?s not. F@ck knows. Kylo Ben fights Luke, except Luke isn?t there. Luke lives, except he doesn?t. Luke dies, except maybe he?ll come back. We then see a Force-sensitive boy cleaning a stable from the subplot that doesn?t matter, except now it does. The film, except for maybe one plot point progression, pretty much ends where it began, except for two-and-a-half hours passing. |