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Old 09-07-2004, 11:18 AM   #76
VP
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I have heard many versions of that joke.
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Old 09-07-2004, 11:23 AM   #77
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A young newly wed couple sits in a hotel room.
The man takes of his pants and tells his young wife to put it on.
I cant get in to your pant. She says.
Then now you know who is wearing the pants around here. He replies.

She gives him her panties and tells him to put it on.
I cant get into your panties. the man says.

She replies. And if you keep up that atitude you never will.
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Old 09-09-2004, 09:32 AM   #78
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Tsk, tsk. Let's keep it "Fresh and wholesome," guys...

Hey, have you all run out of jokes ALREADY??? C'mon and post 'em! Lord knows we need a little levity around here, especially lately...

Last edited by Indyologist : 09-10-2004 at 09:27 AM.
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Old 09-10-2004, 06:17 PM   #79
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Re: And now for some elephant jokes...

Quote:
Originally posted by Aaron H
How do you kill a rainbow elephant?
Hold him underwater till he bleeds.

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't get down from an elephant, you get down from a duck.

Why was the noseless elephant emberassed at the swimming hole?
He forgot his trunks.

If you think these are bad, I can get worse...far, far worse.



I got up early this morning and shot an elephant in my pajamas.
How an elephand got into my pajamas I will never know.

#1: I can hold an elephant with one hand.
#2: I don't believe you.
#1: Give me an elephant with one hand, and I'll show you.

Those are my elephant jokes
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Old 09-19-2004, 03:25 PM   #80
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A man comes home realy happy.
Says to his wife. "pack your bags. I just won 40 million dollars in the lotery."

"What should I pack? For winter climate? Summer climate?" She replies.

The man. "I dont care. Just get the f**k out.
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Old 09-24-2004, 03:19 PM   #81
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Here's one for the ladies...

A vampire dies and goes to see God, who asks, "I am going to reincarnate you as an animal. What do you want to be?"
The vampire answers, "Something that has wings, sucks blood."

The vampire is reborn as a bat. One day, it's spotted by a farmer, who takes out his gun and shoots it. God says, "Back so soon? What do you want to be this time?"

The vampire answers, "Something that has wings, sucks blood."
The vampire is reborn as a mosquito and flies around preying on people. One day, one of its victims smacks it and it dies. Annoyed, God says, "You again! You can't be an animal this time, it's too much trouble. I'm going to make you an inanimate object. What do you want to be?"
The vampire answers, "Something that has wings, sucks blood."

God turns him into Kotex with wings.
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Old 09-25-2004, 05:54 AM   #82
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The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now." The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony!!" "Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." "However," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!""I know, son, but that flashing neon sign, Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell, just can't stay on the church roof!"
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Old 10-15-2004, 03:38 PM   #83
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Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said: "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said: "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said: "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."
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Old 10-16-2004, 07:49 AM   #84
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Pinned Parrot

Quote:
Originally posted by Luckylighter
This guy goes to a pet store to buy a parrot. After looking around, he sees one that he really likes and he buys it. He takes the bird home, and immediately the parrot starts cursing up a storm. He's like the Eminem of parrots. Just the most vile, disturbingly vulgar tirads pour out of his beak. These bursts of obscenities go on for a couple of days until the man has had enough. After repeated requests to curb his language, the man snaps and throws the parrot into the freezer. Now, the bird starts screaming, and yelling and cursing louder than ever, until finally it stops and there is just dead silence from the freezer. The man starts to feel bad, now, thinking that he killed the bird. So he opens the door to the freezer, and the parrot steps out saying, "I see now that my previous behavior both shocked and offended you. I shall endeavor in the future to curb my language and refrain from such obscene talk and I apologize for my vulgar mouth." Before the man can respond, the bird continues, "By the way, may I ask what the chicken did?"


I heard another funny parrot joke version (remark: I'm not intent to offend the Catholic religion in this one, like I said I picked it up somewhere):

A guy walks into the Raven bar with a parrot on his shoulder. He orders a Budweiser and the parrot instantaneously squeeks: 'and a coke for me!'. His owner gives him a tick on the head: 'I told you to keep quiet when we're in public spaces. You're not getting a coke. You've been unpolite.'

He finishes his drink and asks for another one. The parrot flaps again, shouting: '... and a coke for me !!'
This time, the guy grabs his parrot and squeezes him by the wings: 'Hey! Are you deaf? I'm ordering you to shut up. One more word and I'm personnaly pinning you to the wall !!'

The parrot keeps quiet for a while, even after the guy ordered a third and fourth drink. But thirst is becomming harder for the parrot and when his boss asks for a last round, the parrot exclaims: '... ooh ooh! And a coke for me-e-e-e !'

"All right, that's it !". The guy walks over to the darts board and pins the bird down by both wings using darts. The bird's completely molested and is hanging spread-eagle, comatized for the next few minutes. Then, he manages to open his eyes and he notices this crucifix with Jesus, hanging on the other side of the room. With the little strength he has, the bird whispers: 'Hey psssh!!... You asked for a coke too, didn't ya?'

Last edited by DaFedora : 10-16-2004 at 07:50 AM.
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Old 10-20-2004, 10:31 AM   #85
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GREAT jokes, guys-- keep 'em coming! Just make sure they're PG 13, m'kay?
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Old 10-28-2004, 05:25 PM   #86
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This one's better when asked in a serious manner:
"You've seen canadian geese (substitute with name of other bird that travels in a V-formation) fly overhead in a 'V,' right?"
(person responds)
"Well, have you ever noticed that sometimes one side of the V is longer than the other? Why do you think that is?:
(response)
"It's because there are more geese in it."
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Old 10-29-2004, 04:32 PM   #87
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Here's one for Halloween!

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you". She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab
driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied-- I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
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Old 11-03-2004, 09:15 PM   #88
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Archaeologists excavate in India ancient statue of God Katchatzravmkrtchequanickzmotewaziakmptlanadu - God of Articulation and Memory.
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Old 11-04-2004, 08:50 AM   #89
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Um, thanks for the announcement, but let's keep this thread to jokes. Post the funniest joke you've ever heard-- but keep it rated PG-13, m'kay?
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Old 11-04-2004, 09:10 AM   #90
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It wasn't an announcement, it was a joke. If you didn't get it, too bad.
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Old 11-04-2004, 10:50 AM   #91
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Quote:
Originally posted by VP
It wasn't an announcement, it was a joke. If you didn't get it, too bad.


Pbh. No big loss here.
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Old 11-08-2004, 08:47 PM   #92
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Q: How many members of the Bush Administration are
needed to replace a light bulb?
A: Ten.

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be
changed.

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says
the light bulb needs to be changed.

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light
bulb.

4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either
"for changing the light bulb or for darkness" or they are
terrorists.

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to
Halliburton for the new light bulb.

6. One to arrange for a photograph of Bush, dressed as
a janitor, standing on a stepladder under the banner "Light
Bulb Change Accomplished".

7. One administration insider to resign and write a
book documenting in detail how Bush was literally "in
the dark."

8. One to viciously smear # 7.

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on
how George Bush has had a strong light bulb changing
policy all along.

10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the
difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing
the citizens of the US.
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Old 11-09-2004, 08:49 AM   #93
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Well, that was certainly... different.
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Old 11-10-2004, 08:45 AM   #94
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Hear any good jokes, anyone? Keep 'em clean!
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Old 11-11-2004, 04:45 PM   #95
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Okay, here's one I had sent to me by e-mail:

A new pet

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there ! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me ?"





Scroll down !!!!!!!!!!!!!






WAIT !






YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!








A little voice came out of the box : "I heard you the first time ! I'm putting my flippin' shoes on!!"


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Old 11-19-2004, 01:13 PM   #96
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A sworn atheist threw his spoon in the corner one day, and surprise, surprise, found himself at the Gates of the Paradise. St. Peter arched his brows a bit, and finally took the man in.

"Don't you worry, we have a section here for you," the Gatekeeper informed.
"Heaven has its own section for atheists?" the man wondered.
"Actually, we have sections for about everyone," the Holy man replied as they made their way through a narrow pathway with high walls and many tightly closed wooden gates. "Protestants are there, Buddhists behind that gate, that is Zarahustrans section..."

They came to yet another gate, that seemed a lot thicker and better locked than all the others. That's when Peter raised his finger onto his lips and said: "Shh... let's move past this one veeery carefully."
"What, what is it? Who are there?"
"The religious conservatives. They still think they're the only ones here."
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Old 11-19-2004, 08:09 PM   #97
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Here's one...
Whadaya call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
...
Last years hide and go seek winner!
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Old 11-19-2004, 09:13 PM   #98
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Top 10 Things You Will NEVER Hear Webley Say...

1. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving!

2. I'll take Shakespeare for 1,000, Alex.

3. Duct tape won't fix that.

4. We don't keep loaded firearms in this house.

5. You can't feed that to the dog.

6. No kids in the back of the pickup,... it's just not safe.

7. Wrestling's fake.

8. We're vegetarians.

9. Too many deer heads detract from the décor.

10. Checkmate.
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Old 11-20-2004, 05:25 PM   #99
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You've probably heard it...

President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
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Old 11-20-2004, 05:40 PM   #100
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Thumbs up

LOFAO
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