ET: You're definitely an actor of many talents. And you studied under Professor Lucas at the Skywalker Ranch.
HF: Yes, I did.
ET: Do you have any idea of his present status on Indy5?
HF: Only rumors really. Somewhere in development hell, I think. I haven't spoken to him in 3 years years. We were friends once but we had a bit of a falling out, I'm afraid.
ET: Now, you must understand that this is all completely confidential.
HF: I understand.
ET: Yesterday afternoon our European section intercepted an insider communique that was sent from George Lucas to Shia LaBeouf. You see for the last three years George has had teams of online researchers running around the web looking for all sorts of religious artifacts. Lucas' gone nuts on the subject. He's obsessed with the occult, and right now there's some kind of story that he likes. Now we have some information here but we can't make anything out of it and we thought maybe you could. "Story development proceeding. Acquire macguffin. crazy, cool, going through ruminations, Shia Labeouf, USA."
HF: The Beef has discovered how to stay relevant...
ET: What exactly does this mean to you, this "relevance"?
HF: Well, Relevance is one of the possible strategies of the Lost Edginess.
ET: The Lost Edginess?
HF: The Arc of his career. The downward spiral after his public escapades and failed attempts at a serious career have failed.
ET: Wait a minute, you're talking about THE Downward Spiral?
HF: Yes, the actual Downward Spiral. Dropping breadcrumbs in a desperate effort to salvage his fading relevance as he circles the drain, if you believe in that sort of thing.
ET: [finishing Ford's sentence] In Hollywood.
HF: [continuing] Where he will stay rotting for many years until, all of a sudden, whoosh! He's gone.
ET: Where?
HF: Well nobody knows where. And do we really care, I mean really? About a year after Transformers 3, his waning popularity will be consumed by his inability to carry a decent film, followed by a humiliating public bender which will last a whole year, and we will be rid of him. Wiped clean by the wrath of God.