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Old 06-10-2007, 07:53 AM   #1
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."



One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Irishman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."



WARNING...beer contains female hormones
This is serious stuff...Beer contains female hormones! Last month, the National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary. Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer! And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh! If you think they can handle it.



A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around
the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What does that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a
walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline,
and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said

"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time
around the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so
another dog is pushing her home."



One day, a Spanish warship was sailing on the ocean. It was a time of war, and the waters were dangerous.

Suddenly, a crewmember walks up to the captain, and yells, "Captain, Captain!"

"Hmmm?" he replies.

"Captain, there's an enemy ship off of the port bow!"

"Bring me my red shirt," declared the captain quizzically.

The crewmember was confused, but did as he was told. After the battle was over, they were victorious, and no members had been lost, or even injured. Later that week, the crewmember could no longer contain his curiosity, and asked, "Captain, the other day before the battle, why did you ask me to bring you your red shirt?"

"Ahh," said the captain. "just in case I got shot during the battle, I wanted my crew to continue fighting valiantly, so I asked you to bring me the red shirt to cover up the color of any blood."

The crewmember was honored to have such a brave, noble captain as his leader.

A few weeks passed without an attack, and finally the ship met another enemy.

"Captain, Captain!!" exclaimed the crewmember.

"Hmmm?" replied the captain yet again.

"Captain, there are fifteen enemy ships off to starboard!!!"

The captain's reply?

"Bring me my brown pants."



Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their
Favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You
Know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.
Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up
For some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of
Admissions who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math,
English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The Dean says, "I'll show you by way of example. Do you own a
Weed-eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed-eater, I think
That you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

The Dean says, "And because you have a yard, I think, logically,
That you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically
Have a family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"And because you have a family, then logically you must have
A wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be
A heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual... That's amazing, you were able to find
Out all of that because I have a weed-eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and
Leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes,
And how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob asks, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you.

Do you have a weed-eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."



First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."



A man went to a barber for a trim and a shave. While the barber was
lathering the man up for his shave, the man told the barber that he always has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.
The barber pulled a small wooden ball out of his cabinet drawer, He said "Place this ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and I can give you a close shave. The man did this, and the barber shaved the right side of his face.
Wow exclaimed the man, "THAT'S GREAT" He put the ball in the left side of his mouth, and in anticipation of the barbers next move, and with muffled voice asked, "But what happens if I accidentally swallow the ball?" The barber said "Just bring it back tomorrow, that's what most guys do."



A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's fat!"

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.

A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.

The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.

Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep.

The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!"



A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What the heck am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, then examined it and the car. "It's been a long day and it's the end of my shift," he said. "I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thought for a second and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Last edited by Finn : 06-10-2007 at 08:45 AM.
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Old 06-10-2007, 08:07 AM   #2
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A couple of old guys were golfing one day, when one of the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Basil for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.

Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked. "Did he do a good job?"

The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the crotch."

The first old guy was confused and asked, "What does that have to do with your dentures?"

The second man answered, "That was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt."


Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher, Miss Figpot, decided to stop by Little Johnny's house on her way home.

She wanted to discuss Johnny's poor performance directly with his parents.

When she rang the door bell, Little Johnny answered.

"Hello Johnny, I'd like to talk to your mother or father," she said.

"Sorry, but they ain't here." He replied.

"Johnny!" She said, "what is it with your grammar?"

"Haven't got a clue," Johnny replied, "but dad sure was mad that they had to go bail her out again!"


It was time for old George's yearly checkup. This year he had to be accompanied by the Mrs. when he went in as the old guy lost the last bit of his hearing since the last time he'd been in to see the doc. The doctor tells him and the Mrs to sit down, then turns to George and says, "I'm going to need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample from you today." George says "Hah? What do you want? What did you say?" His wife gets real close to George and says, "Just give him your underwear."


Two college football players were taking an important final exam.

If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week.

The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."

Bubba was stumped.

He had no idea what to answer.

But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.

"Pssst ... Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed.

He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.

"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank.

He stopped.

Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."


Number 10: Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9: Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8: Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7: Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6: Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5: Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4: All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3: Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2: In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now The world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006: We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.


What do you call a blond with two brain cells?
Pregnant!


A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she entered the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the
whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir , I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us, "said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"



Two little kids are in a hospital, each lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoaaaa -- good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"



Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parents for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No."

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says, "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think."

He says, "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."



A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist ask him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."

Last edited by Finn : 06-10-2007 at 08:48 AM.
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Old 06-10-2007, 08:20 AM   #3
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry, but if you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00."



A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.

“You’re not from around here, are you, bud?” says the bartender.

“No,” replies the guy. “I’m actually from Boston.”

“Whatcha do up in that fancy Boston?” asks the bartender.

“I’m a taxidermist.”

“What the heck’s a taxidermist?”

“I mount dead animals.”

“It’s OK, boys,” announces the bartender. “He’s one of us!”

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb *******' is it?" Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."



A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."



This little test should get you started:

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the
criteria is that defines whether a patient should be institutionalized or not.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub with water, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the water out of the tub."

Okay, here's your test:

1. Would you use the spoon?

2. Would you use the teacup?

3. Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the
bucket since it is larger than the teacup or spoon."

"No," answered the Director "A normal person would pull out the stopper."

So how did you do?



During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students:

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

"Just a minute, I have to go pee."

"That would be rude and impolite! ! !"

"What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."

"And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

The teacher fainted!!!!



It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, ... it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"S#!t!" said the Hypnotist ...

It took three weeks to clean up the senior center.



A British company is developing a computer chip that stores music in women's breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough, as women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.



A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was
sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful."

Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side.

A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now"cute."

She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."



Sam and Sarah knew the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot! ", he shouted.

A few moments passed .. "An ambulance just drove by"

A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called Out.

"Matt's riding a new bike....."

A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving"

"Jason is on his skate board...."

A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!

Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."



Mujibar wanted his green card so that he could stay in the USA.

The immigration officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all of the tests, except one. You must pass it, or you cannot stay in the United States".

Mujibar said, "I am ready".

The officer said, "Use the words yellow, pink and green in the same sentence".

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar".

Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at a Verizon help desk.

I talked to him yesterday.

Last edited by Finn : 06-10-2007 at 08:51 AM.
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Old 06-10-2007, 08:43 AM   #4
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Somebody's in a real rush getting a 100, eh?

Watch it, you don't want to get on some people's bad side... especially mine.
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Old 06-10-2007, 10:42 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Finn
Somebody's in a real rush getting a 100, eh?

Watch it, you don't want to get on some people's bad side... especially mine.


don't listen to finn, no one does

thanks for the great jokes keep em coming!
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Old 06-12-2007, 04:37 PM   #6
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A golfer gets up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.

He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree,
bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

To which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"


Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective! Asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did."

The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times, just put me down for a five."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is
not too experienced either. On their wedding night, she cowers naked
under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and
tries to be reassuring. "My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time
and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do
anyting - juss anyting you want. What chou want?" he says, trying to
sound experienced and hoping to impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly)
for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to
try somethin I have heard about... numbaa 69".

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled
tone he queries... "You want... Chicken wiff broccori?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand
up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?"
"No, ma'am, but I just hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"


Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"


The math teacher saw that little Davie wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Davie! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Davie quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"


Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Davie asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Davie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two hillbillies Ed and Red walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,

"Kin ya swallar?
The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't never seen nobody do it!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her ******l lips reduced in size because they were loose and flapping.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the
surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.



"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"



"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature!"



The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."



"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."



The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."



The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.



Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but... when is the last time you had sex?"



"1955, ma'am."



"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.



Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"



The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, ma'am. It's only 2130 now."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London.

One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked.

"How long must this go on?

This fighting between our nations?

This hatred?

This animosity?

The spitting in shoes.

The pissing in Cokes."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are
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Old 06-12-2007, 05:14 PM   #7
Eric Solo
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Freudian Slip

A couple shows up for marriage counseling and the wife is extremely angry. Livid. She won't even look at her husband, much less talk to him. The counselor says, "What's wrong with her?" The husband says, "Well, you know what a Freudian slip is right? Where you mean to say one thing, but you say something else that reveals your innermost subconcious thoughts?" "Of course," says the counselor, "What did you say?" "Well, we were eating breakfast ...and...what I MEANT to say was: Honey, could you please pass the jelly?" The counselor asks " Well, what did you ACTUALLY say?"
" I said b*tch, you ruined my life."
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Old 06-12-2007, 05:49 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by roundshort
don't listen to finn, no one does
The quickest route to Troubleville around here...

'Nyway, like jokes as much as the next guy, so keep 'em coming. Just remember to use up the space properly.
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Old 06-12-2007, 11:47 PM   #9
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Three men were in the wilderness-lost. As they came around a grove of trees they saw a cabin. They walked over to the cabin and knocked on the door. A man opened and one of the men said "We're lost! We are hungry and cold! Please let us in!". The man let them in and made them a meal. All of the sudden he said "You can stay here for the night, there are three beds for you all to sleep in BUT you will not sleep with my daughter! In fact, just to keep you boys away, I've placed a razor in her... You know what." Later that night as the men were going to bed they saw the man's daughter and she was BEAUTIFULL! The guys thought "Screw it! I'm gunna sleep with her!"
The next morning, as the men were eating breakfast the old cabin keeper came down and said "I trust ya sleept well." The men replied "Oh god yes!" The cabin keeper said "Great, and ya did'nt sleep with my daughter?" The men said "Uh, no- why would we?" The cabin keeper simply replied "Hmm... Well see. Pull down your pants! One by one!" The first man reluctantly did so and his-you know what-fell off.
The angry cabin keeper pulled out a gun and shot the guy dead. "Next!" he said. The next man did and his-you know what-fell off. The old man lifted his pistol and shot the man dead. "Next!" he shouted. the next guy pulled down his pants and his-you know what- didn't fall off. The cabin keeper smiled and said "Your free to go". The man jumped in the air and shouted "YES" and his tung fell off.
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Old 06-13-2007, 12:05 PM   #10
Eric Solo
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A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar and the bartender says "Is this a joke?"

Old but good.
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Old 06-13-2007, 09:17 PM   #11
indifan101
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Here's two lame ones

Knock Knock

Who's there?

You

you who?

Sorry were' all out

Get off your knees ump your blowin' the game!
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Old 06-14-2007, 03:50 AM   #12
Gear
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A priest a rapiest and a murderer walk into a bar
and that was just the first guy.
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Old 06-15-2007, 01:36 AM   #13
San Holo
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Heres one of my favorites
http://raven.theraider.net/showthread.php?t=8036
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Old 06-15-2007, 11:09 AM   #14
roundshort
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all great so far!

Lets see a joke . . . Cleveland Professional Sports teams?
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Old 06-15-2007, 01:52 PM   #15
Attila the Professor
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Quote:
Originally Posted by roundshort
all great so far!

Lets see a joke . . . Cleveland Professional Sports teams?

Right, because how many teams out of 30 made it to the championship? And I'm pretty sure the Indians are leading the AL Central. Cleveland bashing got old by the time Kucinich left the mayor's office.
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Old 06-15-2007, 02:02 PM   #16
roundshort
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Attila the Professor
Right, because how many teams out of 30 made it to the championship? And I'm pretty sure the Indians are leading the AL Central. Cleveland bashing got old by the time Kucinich left the mayor's office.

last national championship was . . . ..



getting out my abacus . . . .





. . . .






1964!!!!


ouch!

How many of the 30 teams won at least 1 game of the finals yes 1.
sweeps are never fun to watch, unless it is against a team from Cleveland!
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Old 06-15-2007, 02:48 PM   #17
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A baby seal walks into a club...


...No? Anyone? Is this thing on?
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Old 06-15-2007, 04:19 PM   #18
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Into a Belfast pub came Paddy Murphy, looking like
he'd just been run over by a train. His arm was in a
sling, his nose was broken, his face was cut and
bruised, and he was walking with a limp. "What
happened to you?" asked Sean, the bartender. "Jamie
O'Conner and me had a fight," said Paddy. "That
little strawberry shortcake O'Conner?" said Sean. "He couldn't do
that to you. He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," said Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well,"
said Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't
you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said
Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight."


An Irishman who had a little too much to drink was
driving home from the city one night and, of course,
his car was weaving violently all over the road. A
cop pulled him over. "So," said the cop to the
driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the
pub, of course," slurred the drunk. "Well," said the
cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening." "I did all right," the drunk said with
a smile. "Did you know," asked the cop, standing
straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that
a few intersections back your wife fell out of your
car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighed the drunk. "For a
minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


Brenda O'Malley was home making dinner as usual when
Tim Finnegan arrived at her door. "Brenda, may I come
in?" he asked. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of
course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be
tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the
Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God, no!" cried Brenda.
"Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your
husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, Brenda looked up at Tim and asked, "How did
it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda," said Tim.
"He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh, my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth,
Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda...
no" said Tim. "He got out three times to pee."


Mary Clancy went up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday
Mass, and she was in tears. Father O'Grady said, "So
what's bothering you, Mary, my dear?" She said, "Oh,
Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed
away last night." Father said, "Oh, Mary, that's
terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last
requests?" "That he did, Father," answered Mary.
Father asked, "What did he ask, Mary?" "He said,
'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun.'"


Clancy staggered into a Catholic church, entered a
confessional booth, sat down, but said nothing. The
priest coughed a few times to get his attention, but
Clancy continued to sit there. Finally, the priest
pounded three times on the wall. Clancy mumbled,
"Ain't no use knockin'. There's no paper on this
side, either!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------


Man rules:

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(B ) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
( C) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
B ) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the *** and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude but fell asleep and burned his *****.

Not wanting to miss out on his date with the hot blonde, he applied some ointment to his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up at his apartment and after dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort, he asked to be excused.

A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.

The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his shaft fully immersed in the glass of milk. With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you load those things!"
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Old 06-18-2007, 09:25 AM   #19
indifan101
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Oxymoron: French Resistance lol
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Old 07-30-2014, 11:50 PM   #20
Montana Smith
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Something silly I heard yesterday:


A woman gets onto a bus carrying her baby. The bus driver takes one look at her and says, “That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.”

She's too stunned to respond and promptly goes and sits down at the back of the bus.

The man sitting next to her sees she's upset and asks, "Are you okay?"

“No, I can't believe how rude the bus driver is. He just insulted me.”

The man replies, “He had no right to insult you. You should go back up there and tell him so. Do you want me to hold your monkey for you?”




Could very well be an Indiana Jones joke.

Quote:
Indiana: Do we need the monkey?

Marion: I'm surprised at you. Talking that way about our baby. He's got your looks, too.

Indiana: And your brains.
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Old 08-02-2014, 06:44 AM   #21
Drones33
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Man gets a job at the zoo. After his first week training the Head Zookeeper says,

"Any questions so far?"

"Well yes," the man replies, "That big white animal over there, I've noticed that some days he seems really happy, playing round his enclosure, performing for the crowds. Yet on other days he just sits there, hardly moving, looking really sad. What's that about?"

"Oh,him?" says the Zookeeper, "He's a bi-polar bear."
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Old 08-05-2014, 12:46 PM   #22
Drones33
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Down on his luck, a man approaches a lady of the night and asks...

"What can I get for a fiver?"

"Ooh, not much..." She replies

"Can I not persuade you?" he begs, " I haven`t had any...companionship... for months, I can only afford five quid. I`ll be quick, I promise."

Eventually she takes pity on him. "Come on then," she says, takes his fiver, and takes him down a discreet alley.

Afterwards, as he`s pulling up his pants, he says...
"Sorry about that, if I`d known you were a virgin I`d have given you an extra pound."

"Ah, you`re kidding!" she exclaims, " If I`d known you had an extra pound I would`ve taken me tights off!"
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