Post your funniest jokes here!

Rick5150

New member
Rapid Fire Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a ***** and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a ***** sleeps with everyone except you.

Q: What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
A: Nothing, you've told her twice already!

Q: What do you call a man that doesn't use contraceptives?
A: Daddy.

Q. What is the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: They are easier to amuse.

Q: What do you say to a woman with small breasts?
A: Nothing.
 

Indyologist

Well-known member
:rolleyes: Hmmm. I dunno about some of these jokes, guys. A little questionable. Let's be good or the mods are going to say, "don't make me come in there!" ;)
 

Ayrun

Moderator Emeritus
What do you do when your mother-in-law keeps knocking on the window?




You raise the oven temperature.
 

Finn

Moderator
Staff member
What do you do when you see your mother-in-law crawling around your back yard, bleeding and wounded?

- Stop laughing and pull the trigger again.

<small>I don't know what Horsie is talking about in the post below, but I swear it has nothing to do with me...</small>
 
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Pale Horse

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator Note

We are digressing fast, clean it up or it will be shut down. Family friendly and PG will keep this open.
 

Indyologist

Well-known member
Re: Moderator Note

Pale Horse said:
We are digressing fast, clean it up or it will be shut down. Family friendly and PG will keep this open.

SEE!? I told you guys! Now play nice, k?
 
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I

Indy's_main_man

Guest
a wealthy lawyer was driving around in his limo when he saw some people in ragged clothing eating grass.

He pulled over and asked them why they were doing this and they said they had no money and no food.

"get in and come to my house" the man said. "but sir I have a wife and 6 kids" "they can come too" the lawyer said. He turned to the other man eating grass and said he could come too." the man said he had 12 children but the lawyer invited them all into the limo.

once inside and driving one of the por men said "its so kind of you to do this sir" and the lawyer said "no problem...you'll love it at my place...the grass is almost a foot long"
 

Rick5150

New member
The Best Blonde Joke?

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red
sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde's driving license. She dug through her handbag and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied "It's square and it has your picture on it".
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed
it to the policewoman. "Here it is", she said. The blonde policewoman looked at the mirror, then handed it back and said,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop".
 

Finn

Moderator
Staff member
Question: What is this thing I'm thinking about now?
Clues: Arnold Schwartzenegger has a long one. George W. Bush has a short one. The Pope doesn't have it at all. What is it?

Pick your guesses, answer to come...

---

And because I've told so many American-oriented jokes, I guess it's better to laugh at the Euros for change... so:

A bunch of five friends are on a road trip through Europe using an Audi Quattro. They arrive to the Italian border. The border guard shows up, makes a quick check on the car and then leans against the front door to talk to the driver.
"I am sorry, signore... but one of you must continue on foot from here."
"Huh? Why is that?" asks the driver.
"You see, this is an Audi Quattro. Quattro means four. There're five of you inside."
"What? Listen, the model of the car has nothing to do with..."
"Quattro. Four. One of you must step out."
"Have you been dropped onto your head as a baby? I demand to talk to your superior officer!"
The guard looks over this shoulder and says: "He will arrive shortly. As soon as he's done with those two guys in Fiat Uno."
 

IndyMcFly

New member
Finn said:
Question: What is this thing I'm thinking about now?
Clues: Arnold Schwartzenegger has a long one. George W. Bush has a short one. The Pope doesn't have it at all. What is it?

Pick your guesses, answer to come...

Last name.

In Christ,
Shane
 

Indyologist

Well-known member
Finn said:
Question: What is this thing I'm thinking about now?
Clues: Arnold Schwartzenegger has a long one. George W. Bush has a short one. The Pope doesn't have it at all. What is it?

Pick your guesses, answer to come...

---"

Hm. I'll say... a temper?

IndyMcFly said:
Last name.

In Christ,
Shane

Ooh, good guess Indy McF!
 

Aaron H

Moderator Emeritus
And now for some elephant jokes...

How do you kill a rainbow elephant?
Hold him underwater till he bleeds.

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't get down from an elephant, you get down from a duck.

Why was the noseless elephant emberassed at the swimming hole?
He forgot his trunk<small>s</small>.

If you think these are bad, I can get worse...far, far worse.:dead:
 

Indyologist

Well-known member
Yay McFly! Woo-hoo!
party-smiley-018.gif
 

IndyMcFly

New member
Thank you, thank you... seemed like the logical guess to me. Yours makes sense too... but I've never heard of a "long temper." Maybe a slow one... hmmmm!

In Christ,
Shane
 

Finn

Moderator
Staff member
Two Catholic priests were discussing how to use the charity donations.

"I draw a circle on the floor," the first one explained. "Everything that drops inside the line is God's and what falls outside belongs to me."

"My method is way simpler," told the second. "I just throw the money into air and shout, 'Lord, take what you need!'... everything falling back to Earth are mine."
 

IndyMcFly

New member
A Catholic priest, a Baptist pastor, and a rabbi are discussing life.

The priest says, "Life begins even before an egg is fertilized. God knows you before you're born, before you have a shape."

The pastor says, "No no no... life starts after it's fertilized, and when it begins to take the form of a human being."

The rabbi says, "You're both wrong. Life starts when the dog dies, and the kids move out."


In Christ,
Shane
 
I

Indy_Jones88

Guest
Here's one that is hilarious and G rating. The joke is a lot better if you do really funny voices for the Chief.

This joke is set in the Old West

An indian chief walks into the trading post of a little western town. He says to the store keeper:

Chief "Chief want toilet paper."

Shop Keeper "Ok Chief, we have 3 kinds. 1st kind is Charmin, Very Nice and soft. $2.50 per roll."

The Chief counts his money and thinks for a moment and says:

Chief "No, No, No. That to much. What else do you have."

Shopkeeper "Well I have Gentle brand toilet paper. Soft and nice. $1.25 per roll.

Chief "No, No. Still to much what else do you have."

Shopkeeper "Well I have this offbrand toilet paper. $0.50 cents per roll.

Chief (Smiles) "Ah yes, that the right toilet paper. 1 roll please"

So the next day the Chief goes back to the store. He looks mad and says

Chief "I no like John Wayne Toilet Paper."

Shopkeeper "John Wayne Toilet Paper?????"

Chief "Yes, John Wayne Toilet Paper. It is rough, tough, and it don't take no sh!t of no Indian" :D

Over and Out
Kris "Indy_Jones88"
 

IndyMcFly

New member
Ha ha ha!

That is good... I like that one too. Poor chief.

On a side note, it just so happens that a priest at my church (also happens to be my favorite priest) is the grandson of John Wayne! Lucky guy... only, John Wayne was on his mother's side, so he has a different last name. Oh well - he's still a relative.

In Christ,
Shane
 
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