Those are great. here's a few:
Leaving Miami for Ft Lauderdale, I decide to stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go into the bathroom. The first stall is taken, so I go into the second stall. I had just sat down when I hear a voice from the other stall............
?Hi there, how is it going??
Okay, I am not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn?t know what to say, so finally I say:
?Not bad............?
Then the voice says:
?So, what are you doing??
I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I say:
?Well, I?m going to Ft Lauderdale..........?
Then I hear the person, all flustered, say:
?Look, I?ll call you back. Every time I ask you a question, this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!!!?
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You really have to read this out loud to a friend, and get him going, to make it wrk great:
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, ?My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night??
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, ?We can?t tell you. You?re not a monk.?
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, ?We can?t tell you. You?re not a monk.?
The man says, ?All right, all right. I?m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk??
The monks reply, ?You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.?
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, ?I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.?
The monks reply, ?Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.?
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, ?The sound is right behind that door.?
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, ?Real funny. may I have the key?? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst... Finally, the monks say, ?This is the last key to the last door.? The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can?t tell you what it is because you?re not a monk.
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Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.
Spielberg strongly desired the box office ?oomph? of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.
?Well,? started Stallone, ?I?ve always admired Mozart. I would love to play him.?
?Chopin has always been my favorite and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano? said Willis. ?I?ll play him.?
?I?ve always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes,? said Segall. ?I?d like to play him.?
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. ?Sounds splendid.? Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, ?Who do you want to be, Arnold??
So Arnold says . . . . . . . .
?I?ll be Bach.?
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The Pope has just finished a tour of the Napa Valley and is taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, he asks the chauffeur if he can drive for a while. Since the chauffeur really doesn?t have much of a choice, he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.
The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 MPH, and suddenly he sees the red and blue lights of the highway patrol in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window.
The trooper, seeing who it is, says, ?Just a moment please, I need to call in.? The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he?s got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should handle it.
?It?s not Ted Kennedy again is it?? asks the chief.
?No Sir!? replies the trooper, ?This guy?s more important.?
?Is it the Governor?? asks the chief.
?No! Even more important!? replies the trooper.
?Is it the PRESIDENT??? asks the chief.
?No! Even more important!? replies the trooper.
?Well WHO THE HECK is it?? screams the chief.
?I don?t know Sir.? replies the trooper, ?but he?s got the Pope as his chauffeur.?
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Hope you liked them.