Scenes cut from Spain 1917 (May) script II
***
Indy gets on stage dressed as a eunuch.
Diaghilev: Wonderful! Wonderful! I think we will call you Igor.
Indy: But I?m NOT a Russian, Mr. Diaghilev.
Diaghilev (after explaining that all his dancers are ?Russian?):
I?m a very creative man. To the art of dance I have brought passion where there was once only posturing! People will forget about the war ? but they will remember my ballet forever! That?ll be all, Igor.
Indy (leaving, says to himself through gritted teeth):
I am NOT an Igor!
(Indy heads backstage and is met by Picasso and Olga.)
Picasso: Indiana ?
you look marvelous. You were born to be a eunuch!
Even Olga would be safe with you ? and Olga is VERY desirable.
Olga: Which is why you are going to marry me, Pablo. (*My note: they married the next year in 1918!)
Picasso: Of course, my dear. And this is Olga?s friend and rival ?
Olga (firmly):
In the ballet ?
Picasso: Nadia Kamenevsky.
(Indy and Nadia are introduced, joined a few moments later by Colonel Schmidt who takes an immediate dislike to Indy?s getup.)
Colonel Schmidt:
You see as Germans, as a warrior nation, do not approve of decadence. (Schmidt flicks Indy?s costume with his riding crop). I suppose it gives you some kind of perverse pleasure to wear this kind of thing, young man?
(Before Indy can respond to Colonel Schmidt?s diss, Diaghilev ?sails into view.?)
Diaghilev: Ah! Colonel Schmidt! What can I do for you?
Schmidt: You can ensure that the German Embassy has the best box for the theatre for the entire run of your ballet. We have many influential guests we wish to entertain.
Diaghilev: Provided you pay for the privilege, Colonel, I do not object to German money supporting Russian culture. The house manager will see to your requirements.
Nadia: I?ll show the Colonel the way, Mr. Diaghilev. Colonel Schmidt?
(Nadia takes Schmidt by the army; he clinks his heels, nods stiffly to Diaghilev and marches out. Everybody turns to watch them disappear).
Olga: Nadia is SO helpful. I came into her dressing room the other day and she was down on the floor, helping Colonel Schmidt look for his monocle. At least, that?s what she said she was doing ? and who am I to disbelieve her?
Picasso: Who indeed, Olga?
***
The Allied spies are trying to convince Marcello to lop off his hair so that the Count of Toledo?s chauffer will mistake him for Colonel Schmidt trying to make time with the Countess. (Cue Rosenthal?s ?The Countess?).
Marcello (agonized):
My hair has only just grown back from last time!
Cunningham: Nonsense! You look splendid with the back of your head covered in bristles! Very manly.
Charles: And the monocle. It?s you, Marcello, that monocle! (To Indy): You should see him when he?s in costume! From twenty yards he?s the living image of the Colonel.
Marcello: Women recoil from me for weeks afterwards!
(My note: IMO, they should have left that last bit in the script. I didn?t realize Terry Jones was supposed to be dressed-up as Col. Schmidt until the second time I watched this episode!)
***
Nadia takes Indy out to a restaurant to ?get to know him better?, then calls him out on tampering with the note.
Nadia: Poor Colonel Schmidt! You wicked man, you?ve been reading the cultural attache?s love letter to me!
Indy: I couldn?t help myself. How dare he! That bristly Prussian swine!
Nadia (laughing):
How do you know I don?t like bristles?
Indy (shocked): How could you?
Nadia: Don?t worry, I hate them. But I like red roses and champagne and expensive dinners ? and if it gives and elderly German officer a little pleasure to take me out occasionally ? why not?
***
The Allied Spies? scheme to embarrass Schmidt gets under way and a page delivers a bogus letter to the Count supposedly from the Countess to the Colonel.
Page (appearing between the Count and Contessa):
Note from Colonel Schmidt, Contessa.
Count: Give me that! (Snatches it and reads it aloud): ?The noise of our bells will echo off every wall in Barcelona!? Consuella ? have you gone out of your mind?
Meanwhile, Delfina is making her way painfully down a row of seats while Indy and Nadia are signaling to others frantically, as Diaghilev and Picasso are watching off stage.
Diaghilev: I don?t think I entirely believe what I am seeing.
Indy is virtually doing a solo in his efforts to get his message across. Nadia is being pretty original too: she has managed to attract Delfina?s attention.
***
Later, after the show, a party is going on backstage for the cast and stagehands: a much less elegant party than the one upstairs ? and more fun. Impromptu flamenco dances are being danced and large quantities of rough Spanish wine are being drunk. Picasso comes in dragging Indy with him.
Picasso: You never told me you were a great choreographer, Indy! Here! Drink! They should devise a special number for you: The Dance of the Energetic Eunuchs.
Male Dancer: The Dance of the Limelight-hoggers!
Indy (sticking to his story): There were fleas in my jockstrap.
***
Indy, after seizing Nadia and holding her captive in a dressing room, brings her some food.
Indy: Gee Nadia, I was just ? look,
I?m sorry about tying you up and all, but there was a really good reason for it. I?m sorry you?re missing the party, too, so I brought you some stuff to eat and drink. (Nadia looks at him with silent contempt). I guess you can?t eat it with your gag on ? but will you promise not to yell if I take it off?
Indy unties her and after an upbraiding, she tells him that Schmidt is a valuable double-agent working with American intelligence who is about to be shot to death in a duel with the Count.
Indy: American Intelligence!? But America isn?t even in the war!
Nadia: You think that matters a red cent?
Indy: But ? how come we didn?t know?
Nadia: You want it published in a newsletter? There was no NEED for you to know.
There was no need for ANYONE to know! This is espionage!
Indy: You could just be saying this.
Nadia: I could, but I?m not. Now untie me
immediately and let?s get this mess sorted out.
[?]
Indy: Not until I?ve talked to my friends.
Nadia: Well take me with you.
You haven?t got the sense to convince them on your own.
Indy: Well?
Nadia: NOW!
* * *
At Allied spy HQ, the spies get confirmation that Nadia is telling the truth across the wire while she is still bound and gagged.
Cunningham: Madam ? we owe you an apology.
Nadia: You?ll owe Colonel Schmidt more than an apology if you don?t get a move on, you dithering English clown! According to that clock he has thirty five minutes before the Count of Toledo starts shooting him.
And, in case you hadn?t bothered to check this, the Count of Toledo is generally acknowledged to be the best shot in Iberia!
Charles (gallantly):
Madam ? you may rely on us to prevent this misfeurtune from occurring.
Nadia: I would rather rely on a pack of Barbary apes.
Indy: But if Colonel Schmidt is really an American agent why doesn?t he just refuse to fight?
Nadia: And entirely destroy his credibility with the Germans?
Marcello: To say nothing of the Spaniards. When they hear of such a disgrace Berlin would recall him at once.
While trying to come up with a way out, Marcello suggests releasing the bulls.
Charles (leaping up):
I have it ? I?ve just remembered: There is a beekeeper with several hives of ferocious beus just around the corner from ?
(Nadia cuts him off).
***
The gang makes it to the bullring and Nadia runs up to Schmidt and the Count.
Nadia (leaping out of the car, waving the letter):
Stop! Count! I have proof here that the enemies of Spain and Germany have been at work!
(My note: How then, would the count be cool with the Allied Spies for all their intrigue and meddling?!)
The scene pulls out of the bullring and Old Indy gets the last word before returning to the scene in the classroom:
Old Indy (voice over): And that pretty much sums it up. It was a jolly good effort, we were right back where we started ?
thus proving the concept, which I explained at the start of this talk, that anything that can go wrong WILL go wrong? Except ? well, you know something? The Spaniards, wise people that they were, never came into World War One on EITHER side.
I think there?s a lesson there? Somewhere.