Indian Jones and the Macedonian Empire - my fan script

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TrailBlazer

New member
Hey, all!

I'm a screenwriter living the Dallas/Ft.Worth area in the early stages of launching an indie film co. with my creative partner. I'm also in negotiations with an established indie film company to complete my first option contract for a feature film script I wrote.

Anyway, last year my partner & I were tossing around the idea of making a large scale fan film with the idea of makin some waves on the 'net and gettcng our name out there. Ultimately, we decided aganst it, but I did complete the script (though, without worry of finances, this script is more ambitious than the fan film version would have been).

It's a direct sequel to "Raiders" called "Indiana Jones and the Macedonian Empire." Gilles is working to add it to the Raider's fan fiction section, but you can read it right now through this link to SimplyScripts:

http://www.simplyscripts.com/unpro.html

I'd love to get the thoughts of real Indy fans, so much thanks to all who give it a read!

- Russ Phillips
 
Violet

Violet

Moderator Emeritus
Welcome to the Raven, firstly from one starting out filmmaker to another. :hat:

I've read up to page 51 and so far I have to say it's pretty good.

The strengths of the script:

Marion is used very well in the storyline.
A fight scene in The Raven's Nest. Really awesome.
Love the references to Jack Shannon as a fan of the MacGregor books.
The Aegis is an interesting MacGuffin and because there is a sense of mystery to the actual look of the MacGuffin, it intrigues the reader.
The assassin sounds very interesting and adds a new dimension to the usual Nazi angle.

Criticism:

I wouldn't have subtitles for the Greek dialogue as the films don't have subtitles for any languages (unless you're watching YIJC in which case, you can have subtitles).
The story of Aegis needs to be condensed or perhaps more sparse over the overall script (i.e. learn as we go, but with the basis knowledge in the exposition scene).
Maybe it's because I'm tired from work, but I have trouble following all the Nazis, Greeks and assassins and how they will fit in, though maybe as I read on, I might get a better idea.

That's all for now. I'll think of more to say when I've read more.
 
T

TrailBlazer

New member
Thanks, Violet Indy!

It's encouraging that you're into it by/before the halfway point. I'd say it really picks up steam in the second half, becoming the more traditional rollercoaster Indy ride any Indy story should be.

With the opening act, I wanted to do some things differently. So glad you're enjoying it to this point. Can't wait to hear your thoughts by the conclusion.

As for the mythology backstory, I know it's a shade dense, but I really hoped the exchange between Indy's enthusiastic delivery and the repartee with Marion while telling it would carry the scene. The problem, as I saw it, was the potential lack of familiarity with the Alexander story and the MacGuffin as opposed to the more well-known mythologies surrounding previous Indy MacGuffins from the Judeo-Christian tradition (the Ark and the Grail). Felt like there was more "educating" to do, especially since I had to invent and blend existing mythologies. And all in all, the scene truly isn't that much longer than the "Raiders" meeting between Indy, Marcus, and the Government agents where the Ark of the Covenant history is explained. If it were to be filmed, though, I'm sure the director and producers would have their notes on how they'd like to see that part rewritten, but we'll never know.
 
Dr. Gonzo

Dr. Gonzo

New member
I browsed through it. Two suggestions.
I suggest a change in the title to something more Indiana Jones-esque like "Indiana Jones and the Fallen Empire"... as is now, the title sounds like its dictating too much, like for example if "Raiders" would have been called "Indiana Jones and the Ark of the Covenant" it feels too direct almost.
Second, Some of the dialogue seems, well, too scripted. Feels like the words are being read off of a page and not naturally spoken. A few tweaks ought to fix that though.
 
emtiem

emtiem

Well-known member
Excellent work- feels very professional.
I would say, and I'm not a huge way in, it is feeling a bit more of a thriller than an adventure story. It's good stuff, though; can't wait to read the rest. :)
 
T

TrailBlazer

New member
emtiem: thanks for the kind words. And it's probably fair to characterize the first act of this story as something of a thriller, sure. As I say, I wanted to do some different things rather than regurgitate the formula exactly. But hang in there, your thirst for adventure shall be rewarded!

Gonzo: Can't really quantify the writing time. It was written piecemeal over 6 months or so, but I left it alone for a long stretch at about page 35, then got back into it and cranked out the remainder in a few weeks.

As for changes & rewrites, they're not too likely since I'm actively pursuing real professional work and no one is paying for a fan script. Hopefully it's enjoyable enough as is. Can't please 'em all 100% of the time!
 
T

TrailBlazer

New member
A Simplyscripts review

While I hope it won't be long before Giles gets a chance to update the fan fiction portion of this site, I really hope some of you guys will follow the link over to Simplyscripts to read this.

In the hopes that positive word of mouth might whet some appetites, here's a repost of a review over there:

just finished it in one read without much effort. phenomenal script. really read like vintage jones, with the typical car chases and repeatedly having the artifacts stolen. excellent stuff.

A few small notes:
too many camera direction at start. I understand that the meandering view is important, but maybe describe it as an 'unknown pov.' That generally seems to be acceptable. whereas camera directions are not.
I like the Casablanca reference about chigaco, but I don?t remember there being much mention of jazz in the previous films.
?as sinister a slick snake as the nazi army can produce? good stuff.
Thought the 1937 montage was a little awkward, maybe disrupted the pace of the film a little.
I like the fact it?s the Hindenburg hes flying in on, but using the actual footage seems a little awkward. Just visually itll take us out of the film to see scratchy 1937 style footage. Unless you maybe introduced it by showing the guy whos actually filming it or something to that effect.
Good scene with marion and indie talking about willie but I didn?t quite get why the dress was in the icebox.
P 76 typo, he his at his age should be he is.
P117 not sure you should use evil eyes as a verb
P124 were the Bahamas a vacation spot in 1937?
The ending was a little sloppy, i'm pretty opposed to having alexander the great show up as a ghost. even the snake was a little iffy in my opinion. If youre gonna use it then make sure its set up earlier, say that the god was sometimes shown as a snake or whatever. but better than aliens i guess.
However the storm was real good, because its pretty supernatural when you see it, but not entirely magical, if that makes sense. it kinda rides the fine line.

In any case it is definately too bad harrison ford went and got old on us, because this would've been a d*rn good movie. the dialogue was spot on and witty without being comedic (though I think marion said something like 'its crazy that such and such' which seemed a little out of period). and all the action was spot on for the genre.
definately an impressive job aside from my nitpicking. kudos.
Click to expand...
 
HJJNR

HJJNR

New member
Just want to say hi, new to this thread. So...HELLO! Just browsin thru scripts now... Great workl
 
Rocket Surgeon

Rocket Surgeon

Guest
HJJNR said:
Just want to say hi, new to this thread. So...HELLO! Just browsin thru scripts now... Great workl
Click to expand...
Just want to say hi, new to this thread. So...HELLO! wrote a couple myself, too shy to post them though...Thanks!
 
Lance Quazar

Lance Quazar

Well-known member
I started reading this the other day - looks very professional and the writing is quite good!

I do think the title is a little flat and on the nose, though......should be a little more vague and mysterious.

Minor quibble - I don't think Marion and Indy would be saying "We'll always have ____", since "Casablanca" didn't come out until six years after the time frame of your story.

:)
 
T

TrailBlazer

New member
Interesting. Don't think I was consciously trying to ape the "Casablanca" line there, believe it or not. I meant it to be within the natural flow of the conversation. But I suppose people might not have phrased their reminiscences about a time and place that way before "Casablanca."

I'm surprised by the title objection.

"Raiders of the Lost Ark" and "Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull" are both explicit about what Indy's MacGuffin are. "Temple of Doom" describes the primary setting for the adventure.

I rather thought "Macedonian Empire" was closest to "Last Crusade" as far as lending it a vague sense of the historical time period of interest, but without dryly laying out the object of interest.

Plus, how can "Empire" fail to elicit a sense of grandeur? A matter of opinion, I guess, but I sincerely thought Indy fans being able to toss about "Empire" as a shorthand for an Indy adventure would feel quite satisfying.

Sorry about that, I guess. I still like it! :D

But glad you're enjoying it overall. Thanks for the read!
 
Lance Quazar

Lance Quazar

Well-known member
TrailBlazer said:
Interesting. Don't think I was consciously trying to ape the "Casablanca" line there, believe it or not. I meant it to be within the natural flow of the conversation. But I suppose people might not have phrased their reminiscences about a time and place that way before "Casablanca."

I'm surprised by the title objection.

"Raiders of the Lost Ark" and "Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull" are both explicit about what Indy's MacGuffin are. "Temple of Doom" describes the primary setting for the adventure.

I rather thought "Macedonian Empire" was closest to "Last Crusade" as far as lending it a vague sense of the historical time period of interest, but without dryly laying out the object of interest.

Plus, how can "Empire" fail to elicit a sense of grandeur? A matter of opinion, I guess, but I sincerely thought Indy fans being able to toss about "Empire" as a shorthand for an Indy adventure would feel quite satisfying.

Sorry about that, I guess. I still like it! :D

But glad you're enjoying it overall. Thanks for the read!
Click to expand...

Like I said, I only read a piece of the script, so I don't really even know much about what the goal/plot is going to be about.

I think having the word "Empire" in the title is definitely cool. But "Macaedonian Empire" is, as I said, just flat and clinical and on the nose to me.

These are off the top of my head and are not at all "good" examples, but something like "...and the Lost Empire" or "...and the Empire of the Ancients." Something to make it more mysterious and dramatic, like "Temple of Doom" and "Last Crusade."

Even "Raiders", though it mentions the ark, isn't called "Indiana Jones and the Ark of the Covenant." It's dressed up with far more flair.

KOTCS was a rather awkward, ungainly title, but, again, at least they're trying to add an element of vagueness and mystery to it.
 
S

sgttom

New member
I've tried writing some movies scripts and I have to say its very hard. Yea I'd agree with what others said about the name. Macedonian doesn't seem to be attractive to me. I'd suggest something average people can relate to. Anyways the name isn't a big issue in any way what so ever. Your script is truly Impressive! I know it must have been a lot of hard work to write this! It looks like a genuine Indy script. It would have fooled me if you hadn't said it was yours! I enjoyed it all. The Raiders Belloq drinking contest reference might be a bit too forward, but I guess it would work. The end with Indy's fear of snakes was GREAT! I am not really a big fan of Greek Mythology but you did a very good job with this. It wasn't too predictable with a lot of surprises a long the way. Fantastic job!
 
T

TrailBlazer

New member
Thanks so much for giving it a read. It was a lot of fun to write, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I still don't know what to say about the title. I'm sorry it's a disappointment, at least to some. I'm a little shocked because I never questioned it, it always hit me as "right" for the script. I guess I'll hold out for like-minded weirdos who warm up to it.:D Can't win 'em all, I guess. But if I have to choose between "good story, weak title", and "bad story, cool title" I'd certainly opt for the good script!
 
S

sgttom

New member
Just to say the title isn't that bad. I wouldn't have noticed it if I had not read the others posts. I mean just the title Indiana Jones would bring most people to the theatre, ya know.
 
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