Okay.
A horse walks into the bar and the bartender looks at him and says "Why the long face?" (Substitute John Kerry for the horse to make it current).
Q: Why did the boy fall from the swing?
A: He had no arms.
Q: How did the man break his arm raking leaves?
A: He fell out of the tree.
Two blondes are walking down an alley, as one tells the other; "Guess what happened to me today? I bumped into a friend I haven't seen for over 20 years."
"So what?" replies the other blonde. "I just bumped into somebody I've never seen before."
A woman is caught speeding on the freeway, and is pulled over by a traffic cop. He says "Ma'am, you were going 85 miles per hour, can I see your driver's license?" "I don't have one," says the woman, "it was revoked for reckless driving." "I see," says the policeman. "Then will you please show me your vehicle registration?" "I don't have that either because the car's not
mine," says the woman. "Whose car is it, then?" asks the policeman. She answers, "It belongs to the man I killed this morning and chopped up in pieces, put in plastic bags, and loaded into the trunk. I was just going to dispose of him." The policeman, shocked, says, "You just stay where you are, I'm calling reinforcements." Soon the captain comes, and asks the woman, "License please?" The woman, politely, says, "Certainly, here it is," and hands over her license. "Can I see the car's registration, please?" asks the captain, and the woman says, "Certainly," and hands it over to him. He then asks, "Would you mind if I looked in your trunk?" "Not at all," says the woman, and pops the trunk. He looks in and it's empty. "Excuse me," says the captain, "but my officer her told me you had no license, no vehicle registration, and that you had stolen the car, killed its owner, cut him into pieces and loaded him in your trunk!" The woman answered, "Really? I bet the damn liar said I was speeding, too!"
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their
bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She
finds
him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of
him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She
watches
as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room,
"Why
are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago
when
we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring
sensitive. "Yes I do" she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you
remember
when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him.
The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in
my
face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to
jail
for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......
"I would have gotten out today.
Just the other day, an old lady was filling up her car at a gas station. Accidentally overfilling the tank, she gets a little gas on her sleeve. Annoyed but unconcerned, she gets back on the highway. A little while later, she decided to have a smoke. When she lights her lighter, her sleeve catches fire. Her wild swerving catches the attention of a cop who pulls her over. As soon as her car stops, the woman gets out and waves her still flaming hand at the policeman. The policemen immediately whips out his gun and shoots her down.
What did the bean say to the bean?
"How you bean?"
What did the dune say to the dune?
"How you dune?"
What did the bean say to the dune?
"How you bean, dune?"
Yea, that one's really dumb. lol
There are two potatos in an oven, roasting away. One potato rolls over to the other one and says, "Gosh, It's getting quite warm in here, don't you think?"
The other potato looks over and screams, "OH MY GOD! A TALKING POTATO!"
Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."
"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."
"I promise I won't," says the turtle. "Just hurry!"
Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second turtle.
Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not freakin' going!"
